I think this is my last week here. I’m done.

I plan on taking a few pills of a sedative antihistamine along with anti emetics and sitting in the bathtub with my clothes on and sipping onto some whisky. I don’t drink, so my tolerance is quite low.

I’ve been suicidal for more than half of my life (I’m 23). My last serious attempt was 5 years ago, which landed me in the hospital and I swore myself to never kill myself, even if things got shitty.

But then in Nov-Dec 2025 I was raped a few times. I haven’t cried much nor have I really processed it or spoken about it to anyone (apart from the police, as it was part of the investigation). I’m just so fucking numb and apathetic most of the time. I had so many hopes, dreams, and expectations from myself, especially since I flew to a different country for higher education. But I fucked this up too. Just like I do everything else.

Only a few weeks back I told my parents and a handful of friends, and while they’re nice and supportive, there’s this expectation to behave like I’m trying to get better, that I’m trying to move on. If only they knew that the clock stopped moving the second they touched me. Besides, they don really care, in fact, many times they even shared their struggles to support me the right way and inadvertently making it my problem to deal with their emotions. This is not an assumption btw, this is very much real.

And earlier this week I was informed by the police that they decided to close the investigation for one of the cases due to lack of sufficient evidence. I pretend that it doesn’t bother me because I didn’t want to pursue a case anyway, but it still affects me in a weird way that I can’t quite describe.

I’ve always loved water so spending my last moments in the bathtub makes sense to me. I will be too drowsy and too tired to sit straight. Maybe even wear a weighted vest or something. But I just wanna go. Every passing day is a reminder that I’m wasting my time here. I can’t finish the degree and neither can I go back home. It’s as if I’ve reached a point in a story where it’s time to kill off a character because keeping them around doesn’t make sense anymore.