how can i (ftm19) better deal with my boyfriend’s (m21) protective mother?

TL;DR my boyfriend’s mom said i gave him hiv and gets mad at him whenever we hang out alone together.

so i (ftm19) and my boyfriend (m21), who we’ll call adam, have been dating for a little over a month now. we met at work and immediately hit it off. i was hesitant to ask him out because i usually have a strict “no dating coworkers” policy, so we were talking for a good two or three months before becoming a couple. things are going good between me and my boyfriend right now, but i have some issues. particularly with his mother.

for some context, adam is an only child and has been homeschooled his entire life (the fact he knows how to interact with others is a miracle). he’s only ever lived at home with his parents, and he doesn’t have his driver’s license yet. he has his permit, no car. although he is working on purchasing one.

his mom is a very sweet lady, i’ve met her a handful of times before and i really enjoy being around her and talking to her. my issue is that she is, for lack of better words, obsessed with my boyfriend.

i’ve already talked to my boyfriend about his mom’s attachment, and i explained that i understand why she’s hesitant about him going out with me and expanding his social life outside of his family. i am his first serious relationship and it’s new territory for her. he’s her only baby, she homeschooled him, etc etc. she’s never been without him. according to adam, when he was hired and started working full time, his mother became depressed and was really upset about him not being at home.

i also told my boyfriend that while i understand her concern and her attachment to him, i’m not going to let that impact my ability to be intimate with my boyfriend, emotionally and physically. and that as much as i love him, i can only put up with that point of view for so long before i start to get frustrated. i also told him it’s not my responsibility to talk to his mom about this, he has to learn how to say no to her and how to stand up for himself.

now, i feel like it’s important to mention that adam lives an hour and a half away from me. this means that we don’t get to see each other much, we really only see each other at work because he doesn’t have a car (and my landlord doesn’t allow guests).

so, about a month ago we decided to just book a cheap hotel room and spend the weekend together. it was such a nice time and being able to truly have alone time with the two of us was so precious and everything that both of us wanted/needed.

before we went, adam decided to break the news to his mom while he was half asleep. this led to an argument between him and his mom as she said something along the lines of, “you (adam) can’t take care of yourself.” none of that is true, either. financially, he does well for himself and has tons of savings because he’s been living with his parents, he knows how to cook and clean, and he prides himself on his personal hygiene. adam was extremely hurt and upset by this and as far as i know, his mom never apologized to him.

as expected, his mom was pissed that we went to a hotel. she expressed to adam that she was concerned that i was going to kill him in his sleep, which just like…what? she also made a comment about me being an alcoholic because we went to the liquor store and adam bought us some soju to share.

i laughed it off when he told me because it was just so ridiculous. i kind of forgot about it because it seemed like his mom had finally calmed down and gotten used to the idea of us being together.

but recently, adam was sick. sick as a dog for two and a half weeks with symptoms that just kept changing and coming and going. i was so worried about him and i missed him so much because he wasn’t able to go into work, so it was almost three weeks of not seeing him in person.

he started feeling better this weekend so monday he was back at work. at work he told me something that made me just so angry and hurt.

he said his mom was convinced that i gave him hiv and that’s why he’s sick.

even writing this out i’m getting so mad because what the fuck? why the fuck would she think that? why would she tell him that? she knows he tells me basically everything.

all of the love to everyone who is afflicted with hiv, it’s a difficult thing to deal with. but i don’t have hiv. and i’m so entirely offended and disgusted by the fact that she would even think that. it implies horrendous things about me and i have to wonder, would she have said i gave him hiv if i wasn’t trans and gay?

i’m just so upset that she said that about me and i don’t know what to do or how to proceed with any of this, especially because adam and i have discussed his relationship with his mom on multiple occasions.

we’re planning on going to a hotel again this weekend for some time together (exactly a month after the first hotel stay) and his mother is predictably mad about this time too. says it’s “too soon.” and she even said that he’s lucky she doesn’t kick him out (she’s never going to but the fact that it was a threat is bad enough).

how do i get it across to her that i’m not stealing her son from her? how do i make it known that i barely get to see him, much less be alone with him and how important it is that we spend time together. does she expect me to date someone i can’t even hang out with?

i really love adam and he’s truly such a kind and sweet man, i really lucked out with meeting him and the last thing i want is to lose this relationship because he has a crazy boy mom.

i just don’t know what else i can do. i’ve expressed my distaste for his mom’s behavior but that’s all i think i’m able to do. i try to keep my opinions to myself because at the end of the day, she’s his mom. I haven’t told him how much the hiv comment hurt, and i’m not sure telling him would help the situation.

so, reddit, what do i do?

(p.s. his dad is fully supportive of the relationship and us going out and doing things one on one together. his dad was also my supervisor before i requested a transfer in order to date his kid lol).