Learning to trust my perceptions feels impossible now

I'm not sure if this is a thing unique to 9ness, but maybe could be relatable. All my life I've felt my feelings and perceptions challenged. When I was with my ex wife, I remember finally getting the stength to tell her that I felt emotionally upset and she scared me, and her response was that it was because I was avoidant, and not used to normal relationship conflict. Essentially, I'm being overtly sensitive and incapable of uncomfortable conversations. Or throughout the years being told that I am dismissing things from family, like my brother, and he's manipulatied me, and when I disagree being told I'm being too positive and ignoring issues. Or someone may speak to me in a tone and an energy that feels cold, angry, and leave me feeling unsettled. Later, I'll find them completely confused as to who I got that from them when they said whatever they said. And then again, I find myself thinking, am I making this up? These are just a few examples, but at the end of the day, I have developed a pattern of thinking that is flooded with confusion instead of clarity of my own pereceptions. I am in constant inner debate over how I perceived something, think about something, or feel about something. And this has become such a problem in my current relationship because I've felt like my entire reality is turned on it's head at times, and I can't figure out if I'm unhappy, unfair, sensitive, projecting, etc... and it makes it even harder when my partner and a couples counselor spends half session dissecting and pathologizing my past to make sense of my reactions in my relationships today. My fiance consistently saying stuff about my childhood, and me not feeling connected to what she's saying, because I feel I grew up in a pretty loving home, despite the weird stuff I was around. I told her once that my memories are not as good as some people's are at that time of my life, and she has seen this as me blocking out trauma which I really doubt. I really struggle with confident, dominant people, because they are so sure and articulate with their words, while I can't answer simple questions like "what do you mean by you feel controlled in this relationship?" in a way that suffices someone trying to understand. So again, I think if I can't logically explain my emotions, it must be projection, it must not be based on reality. I know I'm highlighting romantic relationships, but this goes for work, friends, framily, etc... I'm always unsure, second guessing myself, seeking outside insight because I feel like I've learned to not trust my own judgments or perceptions. I live in a state of confusion and uncertainty over things, and seek outside answers to these things, but when I get differing answering, it only causes increased confusion for me. Anyone relate to this? It's been really bad for me lately. I am constantly wondering if my feelings and perceptions are based on reality, if I'm in the wrong, if I'm the problem if, I viewed something wrong, etc... and it's really hard when the person who says they want me to be more confident and speak up more accuses me of being defensive when I do speak up, and has made me feel bad becuase maybe I am being defensive and that's hurtful. But I'm really struggling to figure out how to react in a "healthy" way that satifies someone's desire of logical answers, when my mind is very emotional and relational in thought. Like yesterday my partner asked me who a character on a show was in relation to the main character, and I couldn't answer. I knew on an abstract, emotional level of they were, but not in a way to verbalize intellectually. This is even worse when I struggle so much to trust my own perceptions, and when I under a lot of anxiety. And I feel like I can never fully express myself in a way that would be considered healthy, clear communication. I can say, I feel unheard and dismissed, but I can't explain exactly why or exactly what I need instead, and this becoems a serious issue. Anyone, I think I've said enough. What are your thoughts on this?