Why do I avoid using my rescue inhaler ?

Hi , for context I'm a 35 F I've been diagnosed with persistent moderate Asthma and allergic asthma few months ago , I went undiagnosed for several years . I'm using symbicort 400 turbuhaler and Iprol inhaler (anticholinergic) and take antihistamine pills when needed . I don't know why I can't let myself use rescue inhaler ( the blue famous inhaler) . I keep telling myself it's not bad enough , let's wait a little bit more as if I'm avoiding feeling guilty, this might sound stupid and I don't know why I'm like this, could it be years of being gaslit . I'm still processing the fact that I have this disease and that I have to be more responsible about my health. I'm a just being weird or this happens to some of you too ? I can't find an answer and I don't know how to normalize using the rescue inhaler. I feel stupid.