Lost a friend 2 weeks ago. Now I'm questioning all my life plans.

I lost a friend over Valentine's weekend. It was sudden and no one, not even his wife and child could say goodbye to him while he could still hear it. It's fucked me up so bad and has me questioning my whole life plans.

I'm engaged, wanted to be a father, but now all I want to do is distance myself from everyone so I don't cause them this same pain when I go. Why bring a child into the world when they are destined to experience the pain of losing a parent? I'm healthy and don't want to off myself, but sometimes death isn't in our control. Why build relationships when all that's left behind is grief and memories that leave people feeling melancholy, forever soured by your passing.

I'm not religious (despite best attempts) so I think all that matters is here. What right is it of mine to cause people this kind of grief. I just want to be unknown, unremarkable, unremebered. All I want is for people to remember my good deeds but not the sadness of my passing. Maybe I should just drift, volunteer where I can, help where I can, be known to no one.

I'm probably fucked in the head but who cares, it all ends someday anyway. Why burden others for the short time they're here.