It still hurts a year later

Im going to start by saying I was the dumper.

We broke up many times. First time he wanted to perform sexual acts on the friend. Second time I realized he was talking to someone else.

He really messed with my self esteem. Hes now with said girl. Before I had gone to visit him for his birthday, and we fought over this girl. He really wanted to visit her. In that moment I understood where it all was going :( freaking flew up there to see him

I told him how uncomfortable I was, but I would never tell him to drop his friends. It seemed like it would be micromanaging. I left knowing that trip that I wouldn’t see him again. It was humiliating and I felt so embarrassed for my actions.

I lost feelings completely. He was my bestfriend before we dated. I never knew this side of him. Fucking sucked to come to this conclusion. I lost feelings for even wanting to be friends.

He enjoys keeping up with people who have “wronged” him. He tracks locations, he would tell me about the elaborate ways he would fuck with people. Hence why I’m using an alt. He knows my main. I feel so stupid for not running away then, it all sucks. He always claimed it was because of his ADHD, which is facisnating. The straw that really broke the camels back was him sending me a picture of a random girl he saw on the train, telling me how she looked like me, how he thought it was me in his country again. That was when my perception of him changed drastically. I was still in La La land before that point.

Even after I told him not to reach out to me and not to interact with my socials, he still constantly orbits. He will use alt accounts and seeing his name makes me feel so uneasy and sick.

It reassures me I made the right choice. He has a girlfriend and he’s still interacting with me. That means nothing to me, I don’t try to think into his intentions. It’s just disrespectful to both me and her fundamentally. My therapist suggests it’s a control thing, but who knows.

It’s a year later and he’s still doing this. I feel like I wasted a year of my life in pain. It’s not even a pain that has to do with leaving him. It’s the lingering unease and anxiety. More than anything it’s the disappointment that my bestfriend (which that friendship frankly meant a lot more to me) ended up being that kind of person. I constantly feel like I’m in shark infested waters. I set everything to private this morning. I had enough, I can’t spend another year of my life being haunted by his judgement.

That’s my scream into the void. Maybe someone else can relate, Lord’s knows I’ve been reading threads trying to make sense of it