I really need to hear that I would eventually be okay if somewhere down the road, I lose the love of my life.

Hate that I’m making this post but I don’t have health insurance.

We’ve been together 6 years. We got married young, we have a beautiful relationship. We never fight, hardly argue, we’re two peas in a pod, we trust eachother completely, we laugh together every day, we have great communication. It’s fucking too good to be true.

She changed her mind on kids after we got married and I’m struggling with that at the same time. I don’t want them soon, but I never even considered the possibility of never having any.

She also just decided she wants to become a pilot, so I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’ll probably spend my working life alone, with no one to come home to. I love that she’s excited about it, but the fact that this will change my entire life— my fear and worry is the stronger feeling. I’m not the kind of person that wants to be alone. I want people to hug and kiss goodnight. That’s what I live for. That’s what I believe the purpose of life is. I know it probably sounds stupid to some, but ever since I was a kid I wanted to have a family to be close to. Not an absent family. My parents are going through an unbelievably nasty divorce— the worst I’ve ever seen— and that adds to how I feel.

I know a lot of people are going to tell me I should just leave. But that doesn’t align with my views on marriage. I have no plans of leaving. I made my decision at the alter and that is final to me. If there’s any relationship I need to give absolutely everything I have, it’s with her.

When I come home every day and see her I’m so thankful to be alive. I’m just hurting bad at the idea of hardly ever seeing her. Add that to the real possibility that she’ll never want kids… it’s keeping me awake at night and sometimes moves me to tears.

I just want to emotionally protect myself. I just need to know that if something happens, I’ll be okay. I want to believe that I can be happy regardless. My instinct wants to distance myself to protect myself, but I can’t. We’re becoming even more close this past year, and I have no other option than to continue to invest into this relationship because she is my wife. I’m just in such a freakin vulnerable place.