I keep making things complicated

I've been in therapy for a while. This last therapist slapped me with the PTSD label but said if it wasn't for the fact it wasn't in the DISM she would have said CPTSD.

Part of my background is being groomed by a childhood therapist to join a cult where I did stuff that messed me up bad. I lost friends and nearly died several times and it occupies a weird place because I view my childhood therapist as a father figure and mentor who shaped me into who I am today but also as a deeply flawed man who used his position of trust to make me and others into tools, a very useful tool, but a tool none the less. I was also abused by a different woman who used her training as a therapist to gaslight me and keep me in a relationship while cheating on me and eventually ended up locking me in a closet and blackmailed me. It got so bad I almost did something to myself so I could protect the people she was threatening thinking if I wasn't alive she wouldn't use what she had. To be clear, that was 4 years ago and I am okay now. As a result, I'm described as being high insight and very fluent in the therapeutic process but I'm also very difficult as a patient and caused my current therapy to feel a "pull" towards me.

We didn't manage it well and it got complicated. We didn't sleep together but it's a mess. Because she thought I was special and could handle it she crossed a lot of lines and we built a exceptionally strong rapport. I made a mistake and didn't manage my own transference so when she said we would be friends after therapy as a joke I latched onto that.

That resulted in a bad rupture which was then followed by another bad rupture the next session where she pressured me into a session, showed up late, yelled at me, dismissed me when I tried to explain I was upset, and then just sat there silently as I broke down in front of her until I left. I was hurt so I went to ask for the grievance paperwork but her supervisor called me and asked for an interview as well. At the time I didn't know this but there was already eyes on us apparently because we were routinely doing multiple extended sessions a week and had been caught talking outside of session.

I made a mistake and agreed to the interview. I then made the situation worse and the day before the interview my therapist called me and we had a 2 hour long talk about us and what happened. She promised me we would be okay and that she wanted me to stay with her and that this was a special and unique opportunity to heal and that we would hold each other accountable and because we both know the risks we won't let it escalate. I agreed to come back and align my story with hers and blew off the interview to see her. I knew better and I knew this would make things complicated.

For 2 or 3 weeks we were good and focused on the therapy stuff. We had a very long and difficult talk about what happened, her counter transference and how that impacted me. We reset boundaries and I felt hurt but okay. I even laid out a treatment plan I wanted to do and I was hopeful.

Then at some point things started breaking down a bit. Touch returned, we never even started my treatment plan, sessions became have been about I'd rather then actual therapy, and we've fallen back into over disclosure.

I feel like an idiot because I basically caused this to happen. I removed our safety rails by helping her cover things up. I let her touch me and even said I liked it. I even broke up with a girl I was dating because she disapproved of the girl. I didn't even challenge her when she said she cant repair things but that our relationship is "complicated" like we're some situationship.

I'm just so angry at myself and the only reason why I see it now is because she was slightly professional one time and I got scared and tried to leave therapy. For her part she basically told me I still needed her and that if I leave I may never do therapy again so I asked to increase sessions. I've made this so complicated and messy. I'm like an addict and I keep hurting myself and getting closer but I just can't seem to stop.