Where it all started

I was in early 7th grade where I first masturbated. It wasnt that serious. I could've stopped but i didn't, which was my biggest mistake. Soon my porn addiction grew and I tried to stop but of course I failed. remind you that I was 12 years old that time.

The mid stage

I tried again and again but couldn't stop. but then, when i was in 8th grade I got a crush on this girl. Not everyone liked her, but i did. I thought of "fixing" myself to be more attractive. I hadn't masturbated till 9 days. which was a record for me. but then i masturbated again and got trapped in the cycle

The downhill

I was masturbating 2 to 3 times a day. I discussed pornstars with my friends, of course they all quit but I, I am still stuck in this dopamine inducing cycle. I tried every method but it resulted in me being more addicted to this thing. By now you're thinking, okay so its normal porn addiction. NO!

Disturbing part

Those who experience this know what I'm saying. I have urges to do some certain disturbing things that i cannot even say. and I did some of those disgusting things, i repeated them. again and again. if my family knew of this I would've been in a mental hospital. I cannot stop I cannot for god sake. and the disturbing thing is that i know if i don't stop. I will do even more "disturbing" things. it's like I'm in early stages of a serial killer. It's not just because of porn addiction. I have been doing this since i was a child. oh god only i know what things i am speaking of. for god's sake please help me, because the least disturbing thing i did was trying to unalive my self more times that i can keep track of. I once cut my nerve but it wasn't deep enough.

I usually don't post things related to these types, this is my first time opening up. Please just help me. please