Are Memberships Cultivated?

I not ex-reformed, nor am I solid reformed. I just started attending where the sermons made sense. I'd ever heard of this stuff before. I come from a weird church that never made sense.

I wanted to be a member of a church, this reformed church. I asked how and got confusing responses. So it took a long time to even figure out who to talk to. In the meantime, I have children with disabilities and a spouse that also has cognitive disabilities. They cannot always attend and they just want to support me in this, attending is a big struggle for them. I do not think they could even make a credible confession...whatever that is/means. Since they are all male I realize that my family situation goes against men spiritually leading. Mine simply cannot. The leadership knows this, and is quietly supportive. So membership would only really be for me.....which the more I think about is greatly concerning.

It's not the leadership that is necessarily the problem. My family is different, we've had a lot of struggles but have also grown a lot. However, I think we will always have the appearance of being unstable. I have slowly realized that we are excluded from so many things. If membership also includes the element of fitting in and fellowship, how would we do that if we are unaware of those things? Or if we can't make it for legitimate reasons? They never ask, just assume.

If membership also includes evidence of change but that change isn't how they view visible change, and Im not inclined to broadcast it, and when I do its seen as weird, AND they never ask...what exactly do they qualify change? Adoption of new clothing choices, attendance, and posting out of context verses on facebook? Because that seems like what is allowed?? My actual change looks nothing like that, nor would I want it to.

And then....I've seen several of their members be contentious people with harmful ideas and hatred of people, they are welcomed and do not seem to have my same struggles with this. However, they look the part. When it blows up in their face they dont view it as a failure on thier part?

I thought the appeal of membership was safety of the body...it would prevent abusive people from going in. But I realize those people are welcomed in more than rejected. A nice suit goes a long way.

I thought membership worked like it would anywhere else. You choose to be a member, if you break rules your are out. Like a gym. But its the other way around, they decide if you fit the vibe?

I looked around one day and realized their was no one with a non age related disability. No Downs Syndrome. No deaf, no blind. No austim beyond ASD1. No cerebral palsy. There were mental illnesses but they were hidden. Everyone there was extremely healthy, they all looked the same. All the same politics. All the same opinions and lifestyles. They few who were different were the only ones that talked to me.

I guess Im wondering, and looking for an honest answer. We (I) was never going to be allowed membership? "Wait and see", is not a normal response to membership questions is it? I thought family issues like mine, normal life struggles, were things you would expect to see in a church. But this feels more like high school. Exclude those who are different.

Memberships are for cultivation of the right people inside the assembly aren't they? I really don't want to believe this to be true. Im in a weird spot because I actually like the leadership, and they preach against this stuff. But it practice its different.