i feel totally alone- some questions

i just have some questions up top and the rest is optional to read.

1. did anyone else grow up wishing it had happened, only to recover memories of it later? how did you know it wasn’t just fantasy/an obsession and that it was actual memories?

2. does anyone else have vague feelings of certain types of abuse, but you can’t really remember a picture of exactly when or where it happened? or like, phrases in your head from your abuser but you can’t remember a time they said it?

3. are there any free online support groups or counselors? looking for email/text friendly as i can’t say any of this out loud.

4. is anyone else more affected/triggered by other people’s abuse? sometimes i am more hurt and sick over other people and i feel like im less valid over it.

thank you so much to anyone who answers and the rest is more context. thank you to anyone who reads.

tw i was 4-7, maybe range is younger, when i was raped and forced to perform and receive oral. i say this really lightly because i still don’t know if the memories are real or not, because they’re very fuzzy and sometimes third person. i think i may have been fingered anally sometimes due to nightmares and pain i have and hypersensitivity/aversion to being touched there, but i don’t know because i don’t have any other symptoms and don’t want to say things im not sure of and invalidate others. this is the first time im saying it because i never wanted to talk about it before but ive seen posts talking about it lately so. yeah.

i don’t know if this makes sense, but my private parts and butt like. buzz. and feel dirty and contaminated all the time.

my “abuser” was my grandmother’s husband (not my grandpa by blood, but still my granddaddy). i had zero recollection of any of this abuse until last year. barely any recollection of my childhood, really. it’s why i doubt myself so much i think, because how could this just come out of thin air? but i guess it didn’t.

i remember growing up having fantasies of being raped or assaulted and then cared for and comforted afterwards, or even just falling asleep imagining being assaulted. i had awful sexual nightmares all the time and still do. i used to wish desperately all the time that i had been abused, and was even sad that i hadn’t been. when i was 10-11 i read warrior cats smut that involved one of my favorite apprentice aged characters. when i was younger still, i’d read smut on my kindle and get really shaky but still look it out and read it, or i would look at porn for my favorite kids shows. i also was hypersexual online and joked with all my friends that i would eventually become a prostitute, and readily offered sex to people because i felt like that was my purpose.

i’m more affected by others abuse though. does that make mine less valid? like, i’m more sickened over abuse my partner faced than my own, more upset over stories i’ve read on here. i want to say “this happened to me, too” to make people feel less alone but i don’t have any proof or anything and i feel totally alone.