My sweet grandbaby

2 years ago today I had put my granddaughter Lucinda down for a nap and would just now be getting her up, only to discover that she had passed in her sleep. It hurts like it was yesterday. I feel like I'm sitting on a freaking dog carrier in my front yard as police, paramedics, cfs workers, and special investigators were walking in and out of my house. They kept saying likely SIDS and I remember thinking it was shocking how many people needed to be there for the worst moment of my life. A year before that my parents died 30 days apart from each other, also under my care and in this same house. Their deaths were difficult but expected. My granddaughters was obviously not expected. I was crocheting a blanket for her as she took her last breath. How is that even possible? My other granddaughter Sarahi, Lucinda's big sister now uses that blanket and it hurts me so much. I hope one day I get to a point where the blanket will be meaningful in some way for me, but for today I just accept that it means a lot to Sarahi and that has to be enough.

I look at pictures of her and watch videos of her but all that is overshadowed by remembering what she felt like and looked like in those last moments. I've thought about trauma therapy so they can help me erase those memories, but I feel in my soul that those awful memories are my burden to carry. I was the one to put her down for a nap, I was the one to try and get her up...I was her caregiver on that day. I might have laid her down next to where I was sitting instead of in her crib, I might have gone to get her up sooner, I might have gotten one of the many baby wearable sleep monitors that they sell. I might have done any one of many things different on that day and I could be chasing around a crazy, hyper, beautiful little redheaded 3 year old granddaughter today. So for that I will carry around those final memories.

I love her and I miss her