I’m running out of patience and time…

I have MDD (was diagnosed 11 years ago). Never really said this out loud but it’s been something that’s been festering in my head for years.

I go to therapy on a regular basis, have an extremely supportive family, and have been medicated since I was diagnosed. I go through phases where things seem to be going great and then all of the sudden it’s like a void hits me at 100. Sometimes it’s days where I feel like this, sometimes it’s weeks, but often time it’s months. I do the necessary work to get myself out of this funk, along with my support system, and end up “back to normal.” Then the cycle repeats.

I do my best to communicate what I’m feeling and how I think I can be best supported. Does it always work? No. Does it help? Sometimes. Often times I catch myself just keeping any negative feeling to myself because I don’t want to have other people worry about me. I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t do that, but dam it’s so exhausting talking about those feelings all the time! I frustrate myself with the constant yo-yo of emotions, I can’t even begin to imagine how it would feel for people to worry about whether or not I’m in a high or a low.

Now here’s where things get tricky for me. I feel like EVERYONE in my life relies heavily on me. It’s both been a pressure I put upon myself and also one that has unintentionally been put on me. That is why I feel like I need to burry any “non-happy” feelings I have and be there for everyone else. So when I get into my lows (especially the ones that last months) I find it difficult to exist. I am working on supporting everyone while trying to scrap up any bit of energy to finally deal with myself. 9 times out of 10 I have used up all my energy, even spent any reserves that I have, and never take care of myself.

To my point. I am running out of patience and honestly running out of time. Yes, it means what you think it means. I have been through so much after being diagnosed with MDD and it’s only been 11 years. So many ups and (mainly) downs, it’s been exhausting! I’m expected to continue on like this??? I feel hopeless thinking I’m supposed to live the rest of my life like this. This constant cycle.

Finally the confession. I truly want to end things. I have multiple plans and different methods. I’m tired, I’ve given up. BUT I don’t because I’m afraid of causing that much pain to the people who rely on me, to the people I love. It feels like a perverse craving. A craving that I’m worried would take over. Everyday I lose the slightest bit of patience and truly feel like I’m running out of time.