There are many types of grass. Some are green. Some are greener. Some are blue, and actually a music genre.

It can be overwhelming when you’re trying to figure out the type to touch first! So I’ve broken it down for you.

1. Astroturf. This is a great type of grass to start with when you want to continue to live in delusion, but you want to appear to the outside world that you’re in touch with reality. Make sure you’re touching a high quality turf and using a vibrant warm filter on your IG posts, so it looks realistic.

2. Nettles. Do not touch these unless you’re into pain. This is a great type of grass to give your enemies.

3. Park grass. Check for used drug needles before you touch this. Or live somewhere fancier than me.

4. Middle school PE grass. This grass is amazing, if you’re trying to avoid participating in soccer. You can find all sorts of cool things in this grass to stay busy for all of sixth period. I like the little pieces of grass that have a hard core, so I can slowly peel away the layers. And sometimes there are cute flowers that you can give to your best friend Leila, and then maybe she’ll finally like you more than Melissa.

5. Soggy grass. Unfortunately, I have a lot of this by my house this time of year. It’s gross. Don’t even bother. Just stay home and keep doomscrolling your favorite conspiracy Reddit pages.

6. Clovers. This is Irish grass. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a four-leafed clover, and that means you were actually right the whole time.

7. Wheatgrass. You can make this into a smoothie, and inject grass directly into your body. It’s the healthiest grass.

8. Bermuda Grass. This is the best grass of all because then you’re in Bermuda, and I hear it’s lovely this time of year.

So you need to touch grass? A Sloopy’s guide on where to start