I really need to leave my husband, but I am struggling to go because I am trauma bonded to him

Please give advice, maybe I just need to vent.

I met my husband at 14. Started dating at 15, and the tragedy began. I was severely depressed from the age of 13 (childhood trauma).

He was different, class clown energy. Always desperate for everyone’s attention, I was never like that, I was more quiet and subdued. Anyway, he was a terrible boyfriend. He cheated a few times during our teen relationship, I try to end it, my low self esteem allowed me to forgive him, and the cycle continued. Like me assure you, I recognise the relationship should have ended many times, but I hated myself. Our relationship was performative, and still is. He was always speaking in riddles, and writing emotion filled cards. It was all a big show.

We moved in together when we were 20, engaged at 21. The whole time I knew it wasn’t right. We slowly became aggressive with each other. I would cry, a lot.

But yet, we were always friends. Laughing, sex, dreaming of the future. We’d pretend we had this amazing future coming, pretend we didn’t just scream at each other 2 mins ago.

I fell pregnant, we loved our baby. We bought our first home. I suffered with post natal depression.

My husband is an amazing father, I will never fault him on this.

We got married. I knew before the wedding I shouldn’t have married him. Any semi attractive man that entered my life, I would think about him.

Sex was always a performance from me. I faked every single time, even now. However I had an extremely high drive, I think because I desperately wanted his desire. I don’t want to have sex with him, I just really want him to want to have sex with me. I want everyone to want to have sex with me. Obviously an ego / self esteem issue I struggle with.

I have changed over the years, got attractive, grew a lot of confidence. I am now desired by a lot of people. And I think - I’m stuck with my husband? Who can’t even see me stand in front of him? Whilst he lets himself go and can’t even brush his teeth for me (not that he should do it for me, should just be done anyway!!)

I have an amazing group of friends, and family. All of who think I’m in a perfect relationship. I have not disclosed a single marriage concern with any single person. How sad is that? I am terrified of people thinking we are weak. What is wrong with me?

I am a player in this performative game and I hate myself for it.

My husband is a compulsive liar, with a porn addiction. I find him so unattractive. That sounds awful, I know. I struggle to even look at him sometimes because I can’t find him attractive; ever. I think about another man who I work with, which I feel so guilty for, but knowing I could have him and he could possibly love me whilst my husband sits back knowing he hurts me and does nothing about it seriously breaks me.

There is so much more to this - some of whilst I can’t disclose on here because of the nature of the subject which makes my husband a terrible husband.

I am so trauma bonded to him due to the fact I recovered from chronic depression during my time with him. I had two premature babies, had a still birth and almost died of sepsis. How could I even think to begin a life with someone else who doesn’t know all that I’ve been through…

I need advice. Marriage counselling not an option, things have gone too far, I know a counsellor would tell us to divorce.

Aware that I am stupid for letting it get this far, so please don’t tell me….. (lol). I cannot still be with this man when I turn 30 next year.

TLDR: I hate my husband, he’s a bad man. How can I leave when I’ve got through so much trauma with him?