I finally blocked my ex

Hi I am the dumper… but hear me out: my ex and I were in a very lustful and loving relationship. However, I always had plans to live abroad and travel for the remainder of my 20s while he was ready to stay in town and talk about marriage and kids. I felt guilty I couldn’t seem to get to the same place deep down.

During our relationship he: kissed someone else, took drugs at parties, got jealous if I so accidentally looked in someone’s direction, and even wanted to control what I wore if he felt it was too tight. I always found a way to excuse his actions and blame myself for them instead, constantly asking myself “Would he be different if I choose not to leave?” He would get in low and frustrated moods if I didn’t want to have sex or perform head.

Flash forward to present day where he begged for me back a week after our very amicable and emotional breakup. But I knew in my GUT we didn’t share the same dreams. I went back and forth constantly wondering if I’d made a mistake in leaving. We continued to hook up. Yeah, big mistake right there!

My dad passed away during the breakup. There was one night, 10 days after his passing, my ex got very upset at me for not wanting to have sex. “im OK, Ive just been thinking about it all day.”

And when then having sex anyway but refusing to give head, he responded: “Come on, just a little bit.” I was filled with grief this particular night and simply wanted his company.

The other night he called me to tell me he will love me for the rest of his life and would love to spend some time together before I leave the country.

The next day, we get straight to pretty intense sex, and 10 mins after, he told me wanted me to go home.

I understand his potential resentment toward me but I felt disrespected on a basic human level. I felt violated as a woman. I lost it, left, and blocked him on everything. It wasn’t easy.

I cannot help to feel saddened by his potential reaction to seeing I blocked him, or anxious at his possible anger. I know I have done the right thing but I don’t know how to stop blaming myself for the turn out of things and to stop worrying about him and his feelings regardless of what he has done.