I’m so stuck

Tw: numbers I’ve been out of education since 15 for mh/ed psych admissions and now ( 22) I have a lot of outpatient support but I’m in the same position I was prior my last admission. I live by myself,I constantly feel alone and cannot spend any time alone without panicking/ dissociating. My emotions are so strong especially right now I feel like nobody cares about me.

( when I do have people, yes limited ppl,none of them stay near me. my outpatient team don’t know what to do and have ruled out sectioning me due to past trauma/ experiences. I also would not ever voluntarily put myself back into an inpatient setting because my cptsd from treatment is still very prominent and I know how it would end up, none of my 10 admissions have ever worked. (Tw) on none of those admissions even the 10 month one ever got me to anywhere past >!(bmi 16)!

Currently, I’ve avoided and not been weighed for coming up two years. I am being urged to let them weigh me. I’ve said no but honestly at this point I want to know as well I’m scared but I want to know I have a rough estimate of where my BMI is what my weight is and it is ( trigger warning)

Based on estimates/photos/clothes fitting

Between >!11-12!

in the I’m just feeling so incredibly stuck and I know I don’t know what to do for help. Neither does anybody in my 4 person team;

- consultant

- outpatient nurse

- psychiatrist

-psychologist

that I see weekly has any clue what to do to help. My mum keeps lecturing me saying I have to be the one who makes the change, and I’m fully aware that is a huge issue I need to work on. I’m genuinely trying so hard to do things to benefit myself, it just backfires a lot :/ plus it’s already been so hard to admit defeat. I also have never asked for help in this way before, I’m sharing the raw details which I would have never done in the past. I feel horrific every day and am losing my mobility have gastroenteritis but my “ urgent” referral for gastro at the hosp was put in 8 months ago😑🔫. I feel like everybody including myself has given up and just accepted that this is going to be my life forever