OCD and Ableism; My Diagnosis

I recently have come to terms with the fact I have OCD and have been receiving treatment. I have autism and CPTSD and for a long while I was in denial, as the diagnosis and seeing this thought pattern and intrusive thoughts would invalidate my need for routine and genuine need for accommodations and lack of understanding in social situations, coupled by the abuse I had in middle childhood and early teen years. Recently, I have reconsidered this, that it’s actually DUE to these things that I developed OCD. I was abused because I was autistic, because I was ‘slow’ and had supports that burdened my parental figures and they would punish me often without me understanding why. This is common in abuse, but now speaking about my experiences to them or adults, I think I was seen in many instances for attention seeking or acting out because of sensory issues, or I truly was misbehaving but because I couldn’t hear them, or was not grasping the environment. I also had really strong attributes above my age development, so having a neurodevelopmental disability was not really assumed. Also, MY experience was far more extreme than the average kid to discipline for the autism component, and physical restraint or harsh punishment was ‘necessary’ but also so traumatic.

And that’s where it became an issue. My school was supplementing this operant conditioning, and I was brought into therapy in first grade. BUT CBT taught me my feelings and thoughts where due to ‘deeper psychological issues’, associations, and largely irrational and from an emotional disturbance. So, I had no idea what was going on in my body, was abused, lacked communication skills, and learned not to trust my feelings and intuition and use these very rigid rules and questions about why and what I feel to fix cognitive distortions, and honestly to ’read minds’. Not literally, but in the sense that I should be empathetic and that means recognize what others feel, but I don’t have these things in my brain that can read cues effectively, so I have a multitude of possible theories as to what my behavior could have impact on the environment or other people. I must explain why I feel or do what I do, why, this ‘why‘ must be valid and rational, and make sure this is a true statement and not overreacting or manipulative. And when I have ‘bad’ thoughts or reactions to the environment, I will explain why and ask for forgiveness and try to compensate for this fault in my behavior in order to not be punished or reprehended. And it’s not ‘just’ a reaction to an overwhelming room or disruption in my routine, no, I learned it is always something more.

So now, I constantly fear having illness, or checking behaviors to make sure something is done properly. To compensate for my executive dysfunction, I made up ideas in my brain that ‘if I don’t study for this test, I will fail the test, then the class, then I will be kicked out of school and be homeless and disowned, then become a sex worker and be abused every day’. Or that I’m a bad person if ‘x, y, z’, or that my feelings REALLY mean ‘input 12 things that are contradictory and distressing and I think are 99% not accurate but I should check to made sure…’ I have become an expert at analyzing and invalidating myself, shame for my lack of abilities when I can be functional in other ways. I have constant thoughts of doing things to socially condition myself to ‘be better’, to where any relationship and friendship is torturous because its out of an obligation to reach rules of how humans should behave or proof that I am human or for emotional wellbeing and improvement of my anxieties or inadequacies, or acting upon what I feel I ‘should‘ want as a huma/person or else ‘insert thing’. I question if I love someone if I don’t do something, or ask for a reassurance that I am sure this is the dynamic, this is what is to be done, confusing my own wants. All with that, I have frequent intrusive thoughts of extremely disturbing things happening to me or others, I avoid most situations. With autism, for so long I did not see myself as having agency to leave environments when in meltdown or overwhelm, so now I go into spaces with this fear and thoughts of losing control of my body and the reactions of others, and being physically restrained or hurt. Or my bodily sensations aren’t because of sensory processing. MAYBE I have 12 other disease! Probably not, but let me research and ask religiously to my doctor or online for hours to make sure. It’s all… ableism. So long, I have dismissed or rejected the easiest explanation because even now, though I have a diagnosis and asked multiple other professionals to make sure I have a neurological condition, I STILL do not believe it because half the time I am lower support needs, and have a high IQ. So I check to make sure I am not lying to myself or others are not lying, or will repeat behaviors to make sure I am… repeating behaviors? The world is so confusing and overwhelming, and I have no guide, and I’m too pretty or smart to also be stupid at some things, and I’ve been ‘gaslit’ my life into not believing myself, coupled with my mother having an addiction and her own mental illness and constantly lying to me! But I didn’t even understand she could lie to me, or that what people said to me when I was young could not always be true! Or we all have different opinions and information. I can see now that I was suffering, I AM suffering. These intrusive thoughts and visions of bad events are not me, and I can live a better life and without a cure or shame for my neurological difference. I can have both things, and still improve, and be a ‘good person‘ all on my own. This has given more than you could imagine in starting my healing.

Anyways. I think I gave myself OCD, in a sense, because I’m so outside of myself and my body, and live in fear of the unsureness of the world. Now, I am learning I can actually advocate for myself, I don’t need to explain or question my needs, and I can have higher support needs than the average person! Or I can do things that make me feel good even if it’s not ‘average’ or in a textbook or rules of how it be a person. Its been a huge breakthrough and progress in my recovery and finally seeing and treating my OCD as well (with getting medication finally), and seeing what is OCD vs my routines that I need to survive as an autistic. I don’t know how to end this, but I liked sharing, and would like to see if others had a similar experience and revelation and diagnosis.