I’m embarrassed by my feelings

I (HLF26) have been with my boyfriend (LLM27) for three years. I don’t even want to get into the whole thing because it’s much like everyone else’s story on here… but I have big emotions and I love my boyfriend & to me the sex is about the intimacy and closeness and I feel like he doesn’t understand that no matter what I say. But anyway, I was having some fun by myself and I was looking at pictures of my boyfriend and started bawling my eyes out in the middle of it. I feel like that’s just pathetic at this point and I feel ashamed because of it. I was trying to enjoy picturing us having an intimate moment together during some solo play & just died inside because I’m grieving those moments we used to have. We have scheduled sex once a month & most of the time he backs out last minute. There was a stretch of 7 months with nothing before our anniversary in October.And when we do get to have sex, he doesn’t seem very interested no matter how much effort I put in or try to spice things up or try new things, no matter how good I look, he never has any suggestions but I’ve told him I’d do whatever he wanted me to because I just love & want him in that way again…I just needed to vent on here because I have no one to talk to about these things & im a long time lurker. Advice welcome but don’t be mean lol.