Feeling so good

I had emdr on Tuesday and felt a massive release for the first time ever. Back in Florida I was in an extremely unsafe environment and now I’m farrrr away from all of that. Usually days 2-3 is when the crazy fatigue and hangover symptoms start typically. But so far today I can tell you I feel amazing.

EMDR is insanely effective but I think because of my unsafe environment it felt I was trying to knock a brick wall down with my bare hands. Anything related to feeling like a failure just wasn’t budging. Anything sexual assault wasn’t budging. Feeling like a failure for me is sad trauma. I feel like I finally punched a hole in that brick wall and now I’m starting to see other bricks come down too. I feel like some of that sexual assault or belief system, and the safeguards are also beginning to crumble even though I really haven’t tackled that much of it. I did an insane amount of sessions on my very first case of CSA which was by far the worst, but I wasn’t getting anywhere when I was doing it in Florida. Now I’m just barely starting to see some motion.

I got my first ever massage on Monday, the day before my breakthrough in EMDR. I feel like that somatically got rid of some trauma that was stored in my body. Then Tuesday I had a major breakthrough. Last night, I started seeing some motion in regards to the SA stuff and for the first time ever it feels like these bricks are starting to fall apart and crumble. Today, I feel light and I feel so good. I feel like this has just been an amazing domino effect. I had talk therapy this morning. Talk therapy can be effective if you and the therapist are a good match and you both are willing to put in the work. But let’s be honest, it is nowhere near as effective as EMDR. I kind of feel like this morning’s talk therapy session might have just been one of the most effective talk therapy sessions I’ve ever had. I’m with a new therapist ever since moving to Minnesota, and this was just about one of our first talk therapy sessions, where it hasn’t just been introductory stuff or getting ready for EMDR. So she got to know a good bit of my story and it’s just been endless trauma for me. I talked about things. I didn’t even really mention much with my old therapist. This morning I woke up, tired and groggy and really anticipating intense, EMDR fatigue and hangover. But after that session again, it feels like something was released. It feels like the ball is finally rolling and I’m in motion for the first time. It felt like when I moved to Minnesota there was a lot of healing and I started to see the effects of EMDR and I just barely started to see motion but now this feels like accelerated motion. I’m not even anywhere near done with my timeline. I have so much more to go, but while I really hope that this accelerated forward motion keeps up. It’s a very good reminder that the work that I’m doing is actually effective.