Had A Hard Time Quitting Alcohol and Asked for Assistance.... And Now Regret It

I feel kind of persecuted for asking for help quitting alcohol.

Backstory: I have depression, anxiety disorder, and ADHD- have had all for about 20 years, and I’m 35f. My previous few psychiatrists have prescribed me an anti-depressant, a very low dose of Vyvanse that I asked to be decreased multiple times to now lowest dose they make (10mg), a bottle of Adderall every 4-6 months, for days I need focus after the Vyvanse has worn off, and the lowest dose I think of Lorazepam, maybe a bottle of 30 every few months for anxiety and panic attacks. These medications had been prescribed by multiple psychiatrists over many years, without issue.

I noted to my new psychiatrist about 10 months ago that I was trying to cut down on drinking, and she asked me some questions, and let me know that the amount I was drinking (about 20-25 White Claws per week) was way too much. While at first I was skeptical, I did some research and saw she was right, so we decided on a taper together, which I did really well with, and got down to 10 drinks/week.

Then winter and an especially bad depression hit, and the holidays didn’t really help, and my drinking crept up, and with the depression I had a more difficult time than before tapering off. So I asked my psychiatrist if it was crazy to get a drug counselor to give tips and hold me accountable. She said no it was a good idea, and referred me to a detox doctor.

The detox doctor wanted me to quit cold turkey, which I thought was extreme, but why not, right? She also Rxed 3 medications for that, including a med called Librium, and I took them all as Rxed. The Librium did say up to 4 pills/day as needed, so when I felt anxiety (a trigger for me), if I had taken less than 4 so far that day I would take another one, so I did usually end up taking the up to 4 a day prescribed. 8-10 days later, she said we should done with the Librium, and prescribed a 2 day taper.

Then began the worst feeling of my entire life. I made so many calls to me begging for help, had appts, even went to the ER to figure out what was happening and fix it, as I was also especially worried this awful feeling would cause me to drink. After no help or real answers being provided time after time for 4 days, I started drinking again, which did take away the horrible feeling, but only for while I was drinking, then the next day it would be there but less than before at least. At this point I saw my psychiatrist, and the plan I had made at that time was to start an IOP to get help for this, because that feeling was awful. Thank God, she prescribed Librium for the intense anxiety I was feeling for until I could get into the IOP.

I took one Librium, and instantly the feeling COMPLETELY went away. It was then that I realized this was about more than alcohol and started doing some serious research. I looked into things more, and the Librium pills were 5x the strength of the Lorazepam I had been prescribed in the past, AND they stay in the system much longer. AND apparently Librium is basically alcohol in pill form, and like alcohol, it’s job is to artificially boost something called GABA- which is the same thing that makes alcohol feel good and be addicting. So I had been taking 100x my Lorazepam dose every day for over a week, while I thought I was detoxing, but instead probably making my body much MORE dependent on gaba boosting things, and then I was immediately cut off of any gaba boosting things, making my CNS go haywire. Apparently stopping benzos that a patient has become dependent on can cause long term and even permanent issues, since it makes the brain go so haywire. So that was what had caused that terrible issue. I knew I had to use the Librium my psychiatrist prescribed to taper more slowly off so my system didn't go haywire again. Obviously since the feeling was gone I easily stopped drinking again.

I found out after that the IOP was going to be much more than they quoted, and we couldn't swing it, and my insurance had 10 free one-on-one substance abuse counselor appointments, so I felt that would be even better.

I just tried to get my ADHD medication refilled, and have been told my psychiatrist wants me to go to a lab for a drug and alcohol test first. She had also said at the last appointment that she didn’t want to refill my Lorazepam since an IOP wouldn’t let me take it, but I suspect she won’t fill that at all anymore. I’m especially concerned about this, because Lorazepam and alcohol were the ONLY two things that could stop a panic attack. If I don’t have Lorazepam it’s going to be hard to just sit through hours of feeling like I'm dying, knowing one drink would fix it. If I'm out in public I won't have much choice. With Lorazepam (which I don’t even like the feel of because it just makes me tired) I can just take a half or one, and breath knowing that it will stop it from being a full blown one.

I’m frustrated that I’m being treated like an addict for asking for help. I know I had a problem and dependency on alcohol, but if I had just figured this out myself, I don’t think I would be treated like an addict now, or have medications I require taken away.

What can I do to make them stop looking at me like an addict? I asked for assistance on my own, I took everything as prescribed, the only drug I do is marijuana, and she can see from my chart for years back that I have always taken things as prescribed. And they did a drug test at the ER which came back negative on everything except the medication I was prescribed and weed. How can I get them to see this wasn’t an addiction thing, and I’m not trying to be dishonest or anything?!

PS- I used the Librium the psychiatrist Rxed to taper, which I finished a few days ago (so over about 20 days) and have been taking 1-2 lorazepam over the last 2 days to give myself a little extra cushion. No alcohol, except there is a tiny amount in one of the supplements I take. I'm really not even tempted to drink. Have been taking all medications as prescribed or less than prescribed (like the Librium taper.)

Thanks for reading, and any advice is helpful!