Conversation with my mom brought up an uncomfortable truth about my childhood.

I learned something recently that has been messing with my head more than I expected.

When I was in middle school my parents went through a really rough period. I remember a lot of fighting in the house and eventually they started going to marriage counseling. At one point they even brought my siblings and me in to speak with the counselor so we could talk about what things felt like at home. As a kid I didn’t really understand what was happening, I just knew things were tense all the time.

Recently I was talking to my mom about a relationship issue I’ve been dealing with. I asked her how she and my dad handled conflict in their marriage and how you’re supposed to communicate when you’re feeling a lot of things at once. I was basically looking for advice on whether I should say what I’m feeling to my partner or hold it in until I sort it out better, because I know they had gone to counseling and we are debating it to.

That conversation turned into something I never expected.

My mom told me that during that time my dad had actually accused her of cheating on him and questioned whether I was really his son. Apparently part of the reason was that I didn’t resemble him much physically, and also because I developed earlier than expected in certain ways. She said it became a real source of tension between them and even came up during their counseling.

As awkward as this is to say, one of the things he apparently fixated on was that I was unusually “endowed” even when I was a kid. Writing that makes me cringe because I’m not trying to brag or make this weird. It’s just the reality of what she told me.

Looking back, I do remember some strange comments my dad made when I was younger that made me feel really self-conscious, even though I didn’t fully understand why at the time. There was even a moment when I was around 9 or 10 where my parents had to buy me an athletic cup for sports because I specifically remember we had to switch from a soft cup to a hard cup. To save money my parents bought me the one meant for teens didn’t fit, and needed an adult size which I remember turning into this awkward situation. At the time I didn’t think much of it other than feeling embarrassed. Now I’m wondering if moments like that fed into whatever suspicions he already had.

What’s really messing with me is the realization that something about my body as a kid apparently became part of the conflict between my parents. Logically I know that isn’t my fault. I was a kid and had zero control over any of that. But emotionally it still feels strange to learn that my dad may have looked at me with suspicion or resentment because of it.

It’s also weird realizing that some of the tension and maybe even disdain I felt from him growing up might have been tied to that. I know he still loved me but its also like he judged me.

Ironically the relationship issue I originally talked to my mom about has become the least of my worries. But now I’m left processing this completely different thing about my childhood that I never understood before.

I guess I’m posting here because I don’t really know what to do with this information. Has anyone else ever learned something years later that completely reframed how you see your childhood or your relationship with a parent?