I am thinking of preparing my suicidal letters

I will try to keep this short , I am currently a 21 year old university student. I have dropped out of uni before when I was 18 because of depression , anxiety and being unable to cope with university life. I have had severe anxiety since I was 7, and properly diagnosed when I was 17 for depression and anxiety. My entire school life from 7-17 was filled with just bullying, discrimination, racism and being outcasted by both students and teachers. I have so many bad memories from school, that even a scent that reminds me of my old school can trigger an entire panic/anxiety attack. After dropping out of uni did we learn how servere my mental health was, however my parents failed to give me the proper support and blamed everything on me. I became ten times more depressed and felt a failure and ashamed of myself.

Back to my question why I wish to get started on my suicidal letters. It started after I had realised I made a mistake and did not realise there was to be a final exam in one week and I thought it was meant to be in the following month. I had panicked realising i had not prepared at all ( my anxiety is so bad that the first 2 months of uni I could not do anything because my thoughts were just out of control and when they did calm down I felt too empty and exhausted to do anything anymore and I am struggling to keep up because i am a really slow learner like super super slow it is embarrassing so I need triple the amount of time most would need for work) and my anxiety was so bad i full on cried the entire day. I am so scared of failing because failing means having to stay in this course longer. I made a mistake joining psychology and just wanted to graduate already. I have not enjoyed a single day in UNi. The next day my anxiety was so so bad it had not been this bad in 2 weeks and I was strugglingt to keep my emotions in check. I have a childhood friend let's name her Jessy in university and I had hope she could at least help me a little I know she was busy with her exams she had but all I needed was a few minutes to just calm me down, but while I was trying to calm myself stop my tears before class started she was just laughing at a friend, let's name her Mina ( also part of our group there is 3 of us) who had send her some stupid things the night before and completly ignored me just laughing. while in class my anxiety was so high I could not concentrate at all , then suddenly the thought of suicide had crossed my mind and for a few seconds my brain was able to slow down and keep quiet and I felt calm for a few minutes.

I texted Jessy this and she did tell me it was concerning and should get another therapist and offered hers. I thought oh hey she's serious now that is good but I was honest and told her being in the uni itself is so tiring and I hate it how i wish I could drop out and find another way to make money. After a while she just went silent and said " Honestly I don't know what you want me to say anymore anything I say you Do not listen anyway" but the thing is I do, I really do I try but I have heard all this before and I keep trying new methods to help but do not work. The same night I was panicking in the group chat I have with Jessy and Mina , Mina was texting me and I explained how I was so stress because i was struggling to memorise for my upcoming test, and how miserable i felt In uni. She just said " I don't know what to say nothing I say you absorb or listen so I just say nothing i guess". I feel so hurt because I have shared my suicidal thoughts with them before and they know how bad my anxiety is but deep down I think I know they do not think it is that bad and it is just normal student stress and it does not feel like threatening at all. To me it does. But hearing these words broke something in me. I felt ... abandoned. Like they had just given up on me. I say this because we all have our problems I get that, but when we were in highschool both of them were going through something big, really nasty problems, and I would continously give them advice even though they never took it I never once stopped supporting them and staying by their side even though they would never listen but I understand thats how it just works, when dealing with problems we cannot just expect others to easily take the advice but as a friend I knew I just have to be there to give them the same words over and over to at least easen their worries even just a little even though it lasted YEARS. So when they did this I felt so betrayed and abandoned once more because now when I really do need them after less than 3 months they have given up on me . I feel like everybody has. I know those two will always choose each other first, they were a duo long before I joined but they were always there for me in smaller moments, I did not mind until only recently. Even while knowing I am suicidal, depressed and struggling everytime I text them in the group chat they would never reply and leave me on read but will reply to one another in the same groupchat I am in. I would text them how sad I am and how I'm struggling to get up, and they would send me a picture of how happy they are going out together on an outing.

Even my dad simply told me to try harder and grow up. I feel like I’m not enough or am not trying hard enough anymore, I hate uni I hate school I hate evrhrbody I hate myself. I feel like I am beyond healing and everybody is sick of me never changing. I feel so abandoned at this point I do not wish to do anything. Every day my suicidal thoughts have gotten stronger and stronger and I always get so much peace thinking about finally ending it. I think daily about what life would be like if I died, who would miss me, who would even mourn me, and would anyone really care and how would I die. I am thinking of getting ready my suicidal letters because at this point I feel so lonely and depressed. I feel like nobody ever takes me seriously and I am a joke and maybe I am stubborn to not want to heal. How is it that 4 years after graduating and I still get triggers from school that lead to a whole attack. I am slowly losing the will to live and do not know if there are others out there who understand what I am talking about or the feeling of loneliness while everybody assumes youre just being dramatic.