I’m sick of it

I have had trich over half my life as the result of emotional trauma I had growing up. I pulled my eyebrows out because at 10 I was worried I was going to get a unibrow and that would make people in my life hate me even more. Now I’m 20, the eyebrows and eyelash pulling have stopped but the pulling from the scalp has been going strong for over 6 years. My parents have threatened to cut my hair off so many times that I still get nightmares about them doing it. I can’t go anywhere without a hat or headscarf. It’s so bad I can’t hide the damage without it. Every monumental occasion in my life since I was ten has been sidetracked my me telling myself “this is when I’ll stop pulling.” And every time I just keep pulling. I find it hard to believe I’ll ever stop. I’ve been on SSRIs since I was 11, none of them take the pain away. I feel completely undesirable to peers and potential romantic interests because whoever doesn’t get scared away by the trich gets scared away by ASD/trauma/anxiety. I’m completely resentful that I got dealt this hand in life and no therapy/supplements/medication can help. I keep telling myself it will stop when I move out of my mom’s, or when my parents’ divorce ends, or when I find a boyfriend and friends who make me feel loved. I’m lying to myself.