I'm too tired

I'm not tired of my life per se, I'm tired of existing. My life is really easy right now. But after a LDR where my ex tried committing suicide and psychologically abused me (probably without realizing), as well as my severely traumatic past, I'm just so tired. Nothing matters for me. Love, happiness, regret, pain, none of it impacts me. I'm fully resigned from life.

It's funny with my ex, we had a cute bedtime ritual where we'd tell eachother goodnight and give eachother fictitious gift to help eachother get through life. Told eachother that we were the love of our lives, that we'd get married and have kids. There were a lot of grievances I had, so much so I could barely speak to her anymore, but I stuck through it because I wanted to suffer. I wanted her to keep hurting me.

People tell me I'm so kind, mature, etc., but I don't deserve reciprocity. I don't deserve a happy, or even neutral life. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to die.