Everything is so heavy right now..

I (27F) got me and my 3 year old son out of an abusive relationship of 8 yearswith his dad (36M) back in July. We had gone back and forth a million times and he always manipulated and coerced into letting him come back home.

I finally said enough was enough back in July, I called the police after he shoved me into my fridge, my stove, my counter and all while our son watched. He came out of the bathroom to tell us he went to the potty and saw me getting shoved around and screamed at. A lot of the rest is a blur but I remember him stabbing scissors into the wall and saying he was going to kill me, he shoved me into the wall at one point and cracked my eye open leaving me with a black eye for 8 days, he shoved me down while I was trying to run out of the house with our son and caused us both to fall and our son hit his head on a shelf hanging on the wall, he threw my phone into the woods and circled my house on the road laughing at me as I panicked and ran around trying to find it. I went to my dad's, lied about what happened to my eye, and pretended like everything was fine. He was busy texting me telling me he was going to hold my home hostage until he felt like he was ready to leave. So I called the cops to get him out. He was a jack ass and they had to drag him out the door to arrest him. I got a 50b protective order put into place, but I got legal aid and my kinda shit lawyer pressured me into agreeing to allow him to have weekend visitation. Since he has gotten visitation my son had come home with bruises, cuts, burns, dog bites, horrendous hair cuts, bare foot in 25° weather. He comes home telling me he's scared of his dad and his nana (fathers mom who he lives with because he has no job and can't do anything for himself), tells me his dad hits him, his dad screams at him, his dad and Nana were fighting and Nana "fell down" and got a really big booboo on her arm. All of this to not even mention the 3 50b protective order violations we also have pending because he won't stay away from pickup and drop off that is supposed to be done with his mother.

Now he's taking me to court for joint custody. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. After everything this man has put us through he just can't stop trying to hurt me and I just don't get it. He doesn't want our son, he's using him as a pawn and it's absolutely breaking my heart. My baby doesn't want to go there but I can't stop it from happening right now. What lawyer in their right mind takes a case for joint custody when the parent has pending assault on a minor charges ON HIS SON. I'm so tired, this has been a never ending battle since July. I just want him to go away and let me said our son. If you read all this rambling, thanks. Send me good vibes or prayers or whatever you do please. I need them.