Doctor comments

Ugh, I just need to vent (scream) this somewhere.

After ages of struggling with vaginismus and suspected endo, I was finally able to have successfil PIV with my partner about a year and a half ago. He was so incredibly supportive and patient and understanding, which I think was a key part of why I was able to make so much progress. But that said, it's still uncomfortable at times, and I end up cramping afterwards on occasion (whether that's from the vaginismus or endo, who knows).

Today, I had an appt with my gynecologist for my first pelvic exam and pap smear in 5+ years. The last time I had one, I ended up in so much pain afterwards that I had to go to the ER. So I just stopped going. But I decided to try again and while I was able to get through it, I'm so unbelievably frustrated and discouraged by my doctor and nurse's comments and bedside manner. I brought my partner with me for moral support and hand holding, and when I explained why I was so anxious, she said "I don't understand why. If you're having sex, this shouldn't bother you." OH, OKAY. MY BAD. I forgot that you scraping my literal cervix was equivalent to an intimate experience with someone I love and trust, not to mention it happens after some foreplay, unlike an annual exam.

And then, when it came time for the exam and pap itself, the dr had the whole thing done in 5 minutes, did not say a word to me the whole time about what she was doing ... just shoved the instruments in, poked around (which was excruciating) and then switched to put her fingers in. "OK, all set! Any questions?"

I was trying so hard not to cry and my partner was just squeezing my hand ... and the nurse was like "are you ok? You seem upset." When I said "just processing, because that hurt" ... the doctor said "yeah, but a couple years ago, we couldn't even do it, so I'd call it a win" and walked out.

I've had awful cramps for the last 12hrs, with no signs of them letting up ... and I just feel so violated. I'm proud of myself for getting through the exam, because I know it's important for my health, but I was just reminded why it's so hard to be forthright with a lot of medical professionals, as a woman.