What would you do?

Okay, so me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year now. 4 months ago, i found out he was asking a girl to go see him late at night (1am-3am) .

Obviously out of nature I broke up with him. During this time as well I found out he had been telling and showing people about our intimate relationships. Well sadly we got back together because at the time. I wasn't clear in my head. Its like i didn't allow myself to properly process or express anything. I didn't cuss him out or say anything when i found out. I just cut him off and now i regret it. I asked for a break recently well essentially to break up.

Because he wasn't showing any affection. Then i over thought everything he did. Thats not who i am. At all. On top of this 3 of my friends passed away recently and so im grieving and the last thing i need is him. I asked why was he acting or pushing me away. He said it was because he thought I was going to get revenge on him. For some reason, its not that im attached i cant. Im so de attached but im not to sure how to escape the relationship. He still calls and sends me paragraphs almost essays

and apologizes and promises actions but im not mentally here. I feel lost with my life and im not sure how to handle this relationship. I just need advice on everything. Think im also scared of grieving this relationship but I have a problem with keeping everything inside.