masking is tiresome

so i'm diagnosed schizotypal and was always the weird kid, you know, during school and a little after when I fumbled college for the first time. Now i'm in college again and most people don't know of my past, it's a different city and everything's new and I guess i'm normal now. I'm not 'popular', I don't go to college parties or have a bunch of men after me but I'm not the weirdo anymore, just a regular girl doing regular things, but everyday is so tiresome, I have to pay attention to everything, try to mimic how people act, to pay attention to every single movement I make, and being around people makes me a bit paranoid, always with my guard up even when I appear nice. Even making friends did not help shake the feeling of being cast aside. None of my friends know of my past, of my psychosis and long treatment. I just try to be 'yet just another girl' and still I know I'm not, there's always something lacking, at the same time that I try so hard to be normal when people do see me as that I despise it, it's just a mask, something I strive for, I put almost all my energy into that and don't even want to be that I just want to make sure people will not pick up on me and make my life a living hell as they did in the past. When I arrive home I feel extremely sleepy, all my energy is gone. I'm just ranting, within few minutes I'm going to take a shower and go back there and try to be normal even though I'm super anxious today, because I have class with two girls who were saying I'm schizophrenic. I don't think they have noticed anything special since they use this word for everything and they hate me for being friends with the guys they hate. Hopefully next week I'll shake everything off and say screw it I'm too old to care.