Trump Plans To Practice Ending Wars By Starting Them

WASHINGTON—After reaffirming his promise to end the Russia-Ukraine war in one day, President Donald Trump has attacked Iran “in order to gain additional practice ending wars,” according to administration officials, who stressed that the situation in Ukraine should still be viewed as “work that hasn’t started yet.”

Speaking to reporters, Trump explained that diplomacy works like any other skill, saying, “Practice makes perfect. Nobody expects you to end war in a single day on the first try.”

Administration officials also confirmed the Board of Peace will oversee what they described as the president’s “peace-making repetitions” (Members excluded*), which aides said will help demonstrate the president’s progress toward what aides described as the president’s noble goal.

According to a spokesperson, the ongoing conflict in Ukraine demonstrated the need for what officials described as “practice.”

“Ending a war in a single day was always considered an ambitious goal,” the spokesperson said. “And this administration deserves credit for being the first to try. The president has already begun peace talks with Iran as part of the practice round before attempting the same strategy elsewhere.”

Trump later told reporters that the approach reflects what he described as a deeper appreciation for the expectations behind the Nobel Peace Prize, an award he has repeatedly said he deserves. “This has been a war in—” Trump cleared his throat. “Excuse me, a work in progress. I understand the reasoning of the Nobel Committee. I was already pretty good at ending wars, but the more wars I end, the more deserving I am.”

Five-star General Patrick Eisenhower praised the president’s thinking. “Ending conflicts is extremely difficult, and a lot of lives are always at stake,” Eisenhower said. “War is hell. History shows that peace often requires sacrifice. Peace is only achieved with a knife. The Committee will recognize his efforts.”

A spokesperson later clarified that the administration considers all current and future conflicts “wars in progress.”

At press time, Trump told reporters he would continue helping launch attacks on entire countries until he successfully ends a war in a single day, at which point the Nobel committee will finally recognize “how naturally good I am at it.”

*The administration will not participate in peace-making repetitions with members of the Board of Peace.