Memories of attempted SA have haunted me for years

TW: Grooming, CSA, attempted penetration

I wanted to write this post because, for years, I've never really seen myself as a child sexual abuse survivor, but, there were incidents in my childhood that most certainly count as sexual abuse, and their memories have haunted me since as long as I could remember, and I want to know if anybody can relate to my situation.

When I (21M) was 6, my mother had a friend she would bring to the house. Her friend would sometimes bring her teenage son with her, and when they'd come over, I'd play games with him while our mothers chatted and hung out.

I considered him a friend, we'd play Playstation and other games with each other. I'd even get excited when he showed up sometimes. It's somewhat painful for me to remember the "good" memories I had of him, because in hindsight I can see now that what he was doing clearly amounted to (at least partially) grooming. I don't even know if any of the "fun" we had was even genuine at all, or if it was all just him plotting to get close to me.

Anyways, one day, we were role-playing as soldiers, and he told me to follow him to the bathroom so we could do an "important mission." I followed him there, hesitantly, and when we entered the bathroom, he took his pants off, laid on the floor, and told me to "sit" on it.

I didn't know what was happening, or what he was doing. I just know I didn't like it, and I said as much but he kept telling me "no no it's fine," "don't worry about it just sit," and so on... trying to convince me to "do" it, he even tied it to our soldiers role-playing and said this was a part of the important mission.

Things kept going back-and-forth with me and him until I just decided to run away. I can't remember what happened afterwards on that day. But I do remember, somehow, I found out my "friend" tried doing the exact same thing with my sister, who's a year older than me. Same thing happened with her, she ran away. And again I can't remember how or when, but I ended up telling my mother about what happened (or maybe it was my sister who told her).

There was another incident with the same person, this time over at their house.

Me, my mother and I think some siblings went over to their house for a party of some sorts. Their house is big, and all the adults were in one part of the house, hanging out, chatting and so on. At some point I decided to go somewhere else, probably the kitchen to get some food, and along the way I came across a room (maybe his bedroom) where this same person and a friend of his (also a teenager) were.

It was so strange. The room was almost completely dark, with only the TV on. Him and his friend were trying to lure me in, in what I can only describe is the most suspicious way imaginable. They never left the room, they were just standing at the doorway holding a Playstation controller in their hands inviting me like "hey little boy, want to play Playstation?" Waving the controller from where they were standing, like it's a surefire way to hypnotize me into entering. He (the person who came to our house) knew I was a big gamer and loved Playstation, so he probably thought this would be an effective way to get me to come to the room. What made it even more suspicious was their relatively low tone, and the fact that they kept looking around the corridor, almost to make sure there were no adults who would see me enter the room.

Just like last time, I didn't like what was happening and ran away.

Over the years, I've only grown more certain that this was another attempt to rape me. The whole thing was so weird, because even then, why the hell would 2 teenage boys invite a 6 year old to play with them??? Since when did teenagers ever enjoy playing video games with kindergarteners??

The memory of these incidents have always remained in my head, even if everything around them is blurry. When I was ~12, that's when I first asked the question "what if?" (I.E. what if i didn't run away, and was subject to penetration) Which kind of ruined me. I actually find the "what if" scenario for the second incident (where they tried luring me into the room) more haunting and disturbing than the first incident, even though the first incident is more explicit. This is because the second incident involved multiple people, and I'm certain things would've gotten violent if I did choose to enter.

Around the same time, I dropped the "what if" question to my sister, and when I did, I literally saw the shock on her face take over when she realized how close we were to being raped (the same exact reaction as me).

The guy himself and his mother moved to another city. Again my memories are really blurry here, but I remember we traveled to that city when I was 14, and somehow someway found ourselves visiting their apartment. This was the last time I saw the person, they seemed really skinny, weak and fragile. What I remember most from that trip is us all awkwardly being in the same room together, and my sister telling my mother she's not comfortable being in the same room as him, and my mother just said "haha don't worry it's fine."

I can't remember my reaction at the time, but looking back, im so shocked that she would say something like that?? What do you mean "it's fine"?? How could my mother be so tolerant of someone who tried to RAPE me and my sister when we were CHILDREN??

Honestly, all of these years, i keep looking back with "relief" that things never escalated to getting worse than they could've been. And I keep telling myself that im lucky, and it's no big deal, but the truth is I literally lost countless nights thinking about this. I get pushed to tears sometimes. I have such mixed emotions. Confusion, fear, anger, relief... it's been this way for years, and I can't get the thoughts out of my head no matter what.

Will it just continue to be this way? What am I supposed to do with these memories? It feels like an unresolved thread just hanging over my life. Literally haunting me for years and I don't know what to do about it or even how to feel.

I feel so much rage and anger at the person, not just for the fact that he tried raping me and my sister, but I'm 90% sure he's tried raping other kids... and that they may not have been as fortunate to escape as we were. It's also why im so shocked, confused and angry at all the adults in this situation (particularly my mother) for seemingly tolerating him.

It sometimes feels wrong for me to even treat what happened with any degree of seriousness or an attitude that isn't "it's no big deal just forget about it", because especially when I see this sub, I see how so many people got it worse... but I wanted to share my story anyways, and see if somehow anybody can understand or relate to what im going through.