I feel like a fish out of water (NSFW! CW: sex, SA, religious trauma)

I apologized if this post is written weird, reddit mobile sucks cheeks and i could not see what I was writing for most of this post as it was hidden behind the keyboard…….

Hi all,

My girlfriend (27mtf) and I (26ftm) have been living together for over a year now and it’s been going almost perfectly. We align on practically everything and if we do have a disagreement, we have no trouble just talking it out. Life is amazing with her around, we are both super happy and it has been wonderful for us to have the opportunity to build our lives together.

However, the one thing that is causing us any friction at all whatsoever is bedroom shit.

I am audhd, she is ND in some way but not diagnosed with anything. We have a massive discrepancy between us regarding sexual experience. She is quite a lot more experienced than me, loves spontaneity, wants to be objectified and dominated in the bedroom. I am a total noob . I was raised Mormon and if you know anything about being raised Mormon, it’s that mormons typically shun all forms of sexuality before marriage. Engagement in sexuality before marriage is considered extremely taboo as well as pornography or any form of self exploration is discouraged. Growing up I never ever really even saw my parents touch each other. Not even little kisses or anything like that. tldr I grew up very sexually repressed in ways I’m still paying for.

I find myself often having trouble with knowing wtf to do when we are fooling around. Since this is still all so new to me. We both have the same kinks, she is very forward with telling me what she likes and will mention things for me to try later outside of the bedroom which helps me a lot. I am just really not used to involving another person in my own sexual fun times. Nor have I ever really wanted to before. I have had one experience before this relationship that did not go well, I was sexually assaulted. Even still if I get touched in th same way he did, I recoil. I identified as asexual for a really long time. I am so used to only having to look at porn behind closed doors in total secrecy, so it’s hard for all of this to not feel scary or daunting to me, even though I’ve been assured there’s nothing to be afraid of, and there is no judgement from her end.

Our situation is even further complicated by the fact that the two of us are both trans, and as a side effect of our transitions we both have different issues going on with our … equipment. I am not able to have penetrative sex. It is difficult for her to maintain an erection. If I’m not constantly stimulating her in ways that are exciting, unexpected and spontaneous she just loses it. and the desire is gone. she does have a prescription for sildenafil but it’s expensive as fuck here in canada. $56 for four pills. So that adds another bit of pressure on me to make sure we actually get full use out of them.

I feel bad that so many of our attempts to have fun are unsuccessful. I know not every session needs to end in cum and not all couples are in sync all the time.

We both understand that these things take time and she has been very patient with me on this matter. So many people would just go frustrated and cheat (I’ve had it happen before with an ex)

I WILL NOT under any circumstance entertain any “just break up/you’re incompatible” or whatever comments. She is an excellent partner and like I said this is the only thing that has caused us any friction in any way whatsoever. I could easily spend the rest of my life with her and she feels the same, but I want things to work for us sexually as well so we both feel fulfilled. I want her to feel desired. What can I do?