How to reassure pwBPD when they villainize you?

just found out about this subreddit and I’m looking for advice.

We started dating about a little over half a year ago, and about a couple months in began the cycle of small fights that turn into bigger fights between us. it’s a lot of nitpicking from her and she’s always talking about how I need to communicate with her. in which I do, or I feel that I am going above and beyond with communication with her but she doesn’t feel like I am.

The most recent flaw she’s been onto me about is me not texting her for updates about my day when I’m with my friends. I always tell her my plans and that I would be hanging out with my friends, but I don’t really update her inbetween activities and etc. I’m really just not on my phone when I’m hanging out with people and I’ve always been like this, especially prior to dating her. I reiterate to her that I always tell her my plans, so she knows that I am busy. she asked that I let her know that I will be away from my phone, but I feel like that should already be assumed when I have plans? especially since she has my location? When I see that my friends are at work or at someone’s house, I always assume that they are busy. If I text them, I don‘t expect an immediate response. She said it’s basic relationship 101 and that should’ve been known that. Anyway I started doing that and updating her when I go to different places, and she still nitpicked at the fact that i didn’t say I was going to be away from my phone multiple times.

lately she keeps telling me that I love like a man (I’m a woman) and that if I wanted to fuck boy stuff I can go be single. this is just one of the many things that she finds wrong with me and there has been constantly something wrong with what I do every fucking week. Not even just once but multiple times a week, it’s rare we go a week without her bringing something up that bothers her deeply.

When I do explain why I did what I did, she say it’s an excuse that it’s my responsibility to reassure her. In which majority of the time when I’m explaining it, I’m explaining and trying to reassure her that was never intentional nor personal to begin with [like forgetting an item from the store (i live across a street from one and can easy just go back and get it) or liking a TikTok with a girl modeling a dress or a fit that I would buy for MYSELF, not trying to oogle]. to her she thinks I’m doing it out of spite or trying to be a player or that I just don’t give a fuck when I really do and I stress out so much about trying to get it right.

I also have ADHD which isn’t an excuse but it explains my short term memory and why I’m pretty straightforward with things and find it hard to take these smaller nuances very personally. I’ve also explained this to her and I feel like I’ve been paying a lot more attention to these smaller nuances to take into account, but she feels like my effort is lackluster and that I suck at reassuring bc I don’t reassure, I explain. but I feel that I genuinely can only say certain words so much, because I don’t know how much she will believe them when she villainizes me.