My friendship break up hurt 100 times more than any other break up, and I don’t know how to cope

I don’t think I will ever get over her. Not a single day has gone by since we went no contact, where I didn’t think about her. It’s such a strange feeling, because everything happened so fast. We had this complementary, intense, utopian friendship with a connection that I thought to be unbreakable because it just felt so strong. I had never felt so connected to someone before. And then one day, out of nowhere, all of it was gone. I went from imagining my dream life in college with my best friend living 10 minutes away, to thinking “I hope I will never cross her path and see her face again”. And I was so angry at the time, I didn’t realize what I had lost. The grief and the heartbreak hit me 6 months later like whiplash. When it was too late to repair anything. And suddenly I didn’t feel angry anymore, I felt terribly empty and depressed. Like someone took away a part of my heart.

But in spite of it, a glimmer of hope still remains in the back of my mind. Every day I pass by her house, I hope I see her. Every day I take the tramway, I stare at the stop where her campus is, hoping I’ll see her. When I go to popular places, I look around to see if I might run into her.

Strangely enough, it never happened. And I think I should take it as a sign: we go to the same places, live in the same, small city… yet we never crossed paths again. It should be my ultimate sign that I need to move on, but I can’t bring myself to.

I miss her so much, and now that grief has replaced anger, I would forgive everything she did in a heartbeat if it meant we could be best friends again. Part of me thinks “we’ve both grown now, maybe this time it would work out better” but the other part knows it will never be the same, even if we became friends again. And I have no idea how or where to start to get over this and move on. I want to stop reminiscing and thinking about her, but I can’t stop it. It’s so frustrating. I wasn’t prepared for a friendship to be my biggest heartbreak.