My small personal choices are a huge deal to my wife

I am in the middle of making a huge deal about some things in our marriage, and I just want to get a take on how other couples handle these things. My wife (F/55) and myself (M/57) have been married 34 years, with our normal ups and downs, but overall it has been good. However, my wife is very controlling of me. I know you are rolling your eyes, but so much so that friends have told me so and don't know how I stand it.

I think over the years we have slipped almost into a parent/child type scenario. She sets the rules, I agree to keep the peace, then I break them and she gets mad. Even small personal choices she will try to control.

For example, energy drinks. I might have 3 cans a month, not a habit. But she goes ballistic about it, makes me promise to never do it again, etc. I finally agree to keep the peace but then do it deceitfully, then finds a can in my car I forgot about and the cycle continues.

I'm involved with a hobby and we have a local discord group. We all decided to have a IRL meetup at a local coffee shop. Tons of fun, it was all men if that makes a difference. So we talk about doing a meetup once a month for 1-2 hours to talk about the hobby and get to know each other. When I told her this, she was like, EVERY MONTH, thats not happening. We have busy weekends and I don't have time for you to go running off for hours once a month on a Saturday. I honestly didn't respond and changed the subject.

Another one is nicotine. I used to chew years and years ago but not anymore. I go periods of time with no nicotine, then start again for a while - just pouches, no tobacco. This one is huge for her! Over the years, there have been so many issues over this. She finds it, goes ballistic, we argue, I finally give in and promise to not do it again, with no intention of keeping the promise. The cycle continues.

At one time she actually wanted to ban me from entering a convenience store when I get gas! She wanted me to agree to this, and I wouldn't thankfully, which lead to a 3 hour fight over it.

On top of this, when I share how I felt about something that happened, maybe she said something hurtful to me, the defense is immediate. She didn't do it, she didn't mean it that way, I'm being to sensitive, etc. I don't need an apology, I need recognition that what she did hurt, but that doesn't happen.

So 3 weeks ago, I hit my wall. I shared something she had done, she went into full defense mode, said she didn't do anything wrong, said she was trying to help me with the comment. I told her all I want is acknowledgement of my feelings. She told me act like a man, and move on. That got me, because she wants me to man up (she says that a lot), but I can have no autonomy for small personal choices. This fight continued and finally I had enough. I said I'm done being controlled and micro managed. If I want an energy drink I will buy one. If I want nicotine I will buy it. Told her not ask, and not be butt hurt if she finds either of these things. I told her I'm done being looked at as a suspect, and I'm done lying about personal choices that she may not agree with. She said she doesn't care about energy drinks and never has (gaslighting), but she will not be married to someone that uses nicotine.

So over the last couple of weeks she is still investigating. I get my laptop out of my car in the garage while she is running errands - she see this on the camera and texts me "what did you get out of your car?". I throw away my lunch sack when I get home from work in the garage trash can and when I walk in she says "what did you throw away?" These are not new happenings, this happens every week, even before I told her my boundaries.

So last night she says "are you using nicotine?" I said, "As I told you previously, I'm not answering that". She keeps going and going. Finally she said you are using it, where is it? I told her it was in my car, she stomps out there opens the console and starts screaming at me. She said you promised me you wouldn't do this. She actually tried to stuff like 10 pouches in my mouth, she was totally out of control. She said, I told you this is a marriage ender if you keep using nicotine. I replied calmly, I'm not playing this game, and that would be her choice not mine to end the marriage of this. I told her this has no bearing on my love and devotion for you. She told me that I was weak, that I didn't need nicotine, that I should work out or go for walks. She said she doesn't authorize her money to be spent on this, therefore it can't happen. I make 5 times what she does, her paychecks are our fun money, eating out, gas, groceries -that type of thing. My paychecks pay the bills, savings, retirement, etc.

She claims it does. She said that if I loved and cared for her that I would not do something that she is so dead set against. She said that is how a husband shows care for his wife. I said that I actually feel really free right now because I am done lying about personal choices like these - they have no bearing on my love for her or our marriage.

She made me sleep in the guest room. Says I'm choosing to end our marriage of nicotine. Told me I'm not an honorable man or husband. She said I told you I would divorce you if you use nicotine, it is a line in the sand. Basically everything she could think of.

I told her to imagine how amazing our marriage could be if she wasn't spending all of her time like a detective and me as the suspect. Just let me live, provide, and love you - it would change my life honestly if I was allowed that type of freedom. I constantly live on alert, waiting for something to happen, for something I did to upset her. A little personal autonomy would draw me to her, it would allow for no dishonesty to divide us over stupid stuff.

This morning she texts me while we are both at work. She says that she is tired of her feelings not getting heard. That I'm making this choice at the expense of her feelings. That I am changing the rules to suite me and my choices - and that hers don't matter. that I'm blatantly disregarding her feelings for my own benefit. That I am changing the rules so they make sense to what I want. She says that she is tired of her feelings adapting to everyone else's rules and she feels like she is getting removed from her own life. (there have been some issues with our adult married children, and dealing with their boundaries that have been hard for us to understand and adapt to, but we are successfully navigating that)

What level of autonomy is normal in a marriage? I look around at my friends, and they seem to have a lot, and still have great marriages.

I'm at a point where I can't continue to live with the current dynamic in our marriage. I find it really hard to believe she will actually file for divorce over this, but I guess that is her choice. I'm not willing to have no decision making ability.

So am I out of line regarding this? How do other couples handle these small personal choices that you may disagree on? How do you handle hobby interests, etc?