everythings wrong w me

i m in the brick of killing myself i dont understand i feel like i have done eveything wrong im mentally so f ed up i cant help but treat my parents like shit i yell, physically abuse, make them feel like shit abt the way theyve raised me n a lot more manipulative shit i cant handle anger it feels like im overcompensating for being a coward im js scared of others n growing up n so i take a lot of my anger out on people close to me. im a uni student i dont have money for therapy ive been trying to get myself into a probono one but idk if its gonna do anything for me im beyond gone atp now i do understand my parents aren't staints but no one deserves to be treated the way i treat them, i still stand for sm things that i argue about but i've to be so extremely violent in getting my point across ever since i was a kid . my grades been falling off its been 5 years ive been performing like shit academically it started in 11th n then 12th n now uni eveything has gone downhill ever since ..major concern is that ive got no future the course n uni that im in has no practical value which is one of the major reasons im acting like this towards them . i feel like im too emotional like i literally absorb the atmosphere around me hence im so overwhelmed n tired n js call it a day after doing a shitton of nothing. ive got major death anxiety aswell but for my parents n siblings, i literally cry every night js thinking abt it but i dont show them that i care n love for them except treat them even worse than last time..most days i cant form a sentence properly

but im most concerned abt my mom she dosent eat shes depressed n given up on life she still fights, laugh n all that but there s no excitement left in her n she dosent eat not at all shes not been eating since she was a kid im scared shes smwhere around 52yrs old ig n underweight i dont treat her right infact i think shes become completely hopeless after me, my sister makes her feel seen i js embarrass her everywhere we go. humiliate her infront of her fam as well