What To Do Next

This isn't much of a technical post, more of an emotional dump.

I fear I'm at the end of my QS career, I started out as an M&E estimator for a subbie for 5 years and enjoyed the work and team. I managed two other estimators on my last two years.

My biggest issue though was undiagnosed ADHD and it showed. It's like having 3 radio stations play at once in your head with a lot of emotional dysregulation. I would forget conversations very quick as well as smaller tasks I needed to do. So I constantly have to take notes. I also struggle socially and stick out.

I left and started as a QS, it felt like the start of something great. Working for a tier 1 on a data center site around other project QS'. I was really ambitious and the management seen great potential. I had a very good work ethic and a growth mindset. I was doing everything they threw at me up to a high standard. I continued my studies too.

Then BOOM. Three months in I Got a disease in my eyes and went basically blind over a 6 month period. I had to leave and do 3 different surgeries. Spent a year out out of work with a lot of stress trying to just live day to day by myself and lost my mind a bit with the loneliness.

I then felt a bit more confident as my condition stabled and my vision was 'good enough'. I joined back with another tier 1 and it was like hell on earth. All the skills were dull, my depression was still present, was foggy brained, struggled bad with anxiety, couldn't recall information, was very light sensitive to the office lights, struggled reading the screen. I just didn't enjoy it at all plus the commercial manager just threw me out there into the deep end. I had to do counseling to try get some way right and talked with hr about accommodations. It was like going back to square one and even after 6 months,I was still shit. It was embarrassing too being 'that guy'. Then I needed to do two more surgeries so I left after 9 months.

Still doing counseling and then I eventually got diagnosed with ADHD.

Fast forward another 3 months and I joined up with another M&E subcontractor like my first company as a QS. This was a much better start and with the accomatations I negotiated into my contract (better screens, 2 day wfh, areas in the office with less lighting) plus I was treating my ADHD and had less symptoms. I felt I was finally back on track. My vision got a bit better too. I still though am a shit QS - slow processing, lack of focus, lack of energy, scatterbrained, socially awkward, mediocre communication, still not so great eyesight. I don't have the knowledge either, it's like I forgot the first principles. The company also just threw two projects at me without a handover and I've never done full cost reporting with cash flows before. I'm not tabling my future vars properly, not forecasting the final account properly, I'm not getting the info I need off other teams. I have an enormous amount of work to catch up on. The client QS is getting annoyed with me, I have an operations director trying to micromanage me and the other QS' are giving me the look. I'm 6 months in too.

I think it's time to call it a day, as much as I loved the commercial side of this industry, I'm just damaged goods now. Thinking about something less demanding on the eyes and a bit more relaxed. Maybe even outdoors. Anyone got any ideas?