I am a trainwreck.

This morning my doctor told me that if I don't get into residential treatment for my substance abuse that she's going to have to refer me to it and she doesn't want to do that because she loves having me as a patient. That prompted sort of a reality check for me and I spent the next two hours reading my medical charts about my recent hospital visits (not all psych/inpatient). Then it hit me.

I'm a 28 year old woman. In my adult life I've managed to have 6 cars (none currently), live in over 15 places as well as periods of homelessness, and have over 20 jobs. I'm currently homeless staying with a guy I just met 3 weeks ago. I was staying in my car, but I totaled it and caught my 2nd OWI charge. I just got off probation for an assault charge that occurred while I was manic. I also have a previous OWI from when I was 21.

My childhood was a disaster. I was in a gifted program at school. Bipolar unmedicated single mother with serious episodes that led to multiple hospitalizations. None of our neighbors talked to us. The police came regularly. She is in denial and emotionally abusive. My dad lives across the country. My mom made his life a legal hell and I didn't visit his home until I was 19. I see him once a year. I have no other family.

This paragraph TW / SA

I've been sexually assaulted over 5 times in my adult life. I was involved in an extreme online grooming situation when I was 12 until I was 14.

End TW / SA

This paragraph TW / Suicide

I tried to kill myself the first time when I was 12. Then again at 15 by overdosing on my medication, and was in the ICU for 5 days. Then again at 26 with carbon monoxide. Then again at 27 by crashing my car into a tree. I had to have emergency surgery to remove part of my small intestine and I walked with a cane for a little while.

End TW / Suicide

I am in the hospital almost every month. Sometimes psychiatric (not always inpatient), sometimes for my drinking. I've had more therapists than I can count and almost as many doctors. I always seem to fall off treatment at one point or another and have a hard time finding my way back.

I've had multi day cocaine binge parties, wild sex in fancy hotels, two men buy me cars, spent thousands upon thousands of dollars, went to the club like it was church, been to so many concerts and events, met so many people and have had so many unique and strange interactions. And dangerous ones.

There are positives in my life, this all makes my life sound extremely depressing. Which yes it is, but I find meaning through writing, music and art. But looking at these objective facts of my illness and trauma, I just don't even know how I'm still alive. I'm in shock right now. I always knew I was sick, but never realized how severe it was.