i feel bad that i tricked my ex-friend

to make the back story short. they decided to cut

me off in our circle in late 2024 to early 2025 without any reason. i ended up chasing after them for 4 months until i completely give up. few months later i saw their shady posts about me on blue app... so i decided to abandon every social media acc i have and open up a new one. where i blocked them all.

what was confusing on my part was, they would always ask how i am through our mutual connections. one time one of them saw me from my friends' tikt0k live and started to tell me that they miss me. another one when i downloaded robl0x again and forgot that two of them plays that too. they joined me and started to ask me about my life lately, and brought up the topic of reconnecting. at december 2025, they reached out to me through my ig. telling me that they miss me and wants to see me . at january, i agreed to meet them. i wanted to know why they cut me off suddenly. but it was super awkward. nothing was answered since all of us felt embarrassed to face each other.

after that, few weeks later.. one of them reached out again. for some reason, i felt off— i assumed he's gonna borrow money. since one of our topic before was... they found my affiliate acc on tikt0k and they asked me about how much i earn per month. and i was right, when i opened the message he was borrowing money. then, later on one of them reached out too. the first one wasn't surprising since he's the one who always borrow money from us, specially to me. but this one, i wasn't expecting it. usually, she's one of us who gets borrowed from. i don't know what came up to me... but i felt petty. i told them they're gonna have to wait and gave them a reason why i can't give them the money. never did i ever want to loan them. and now they stopped looking for people to borrow from, they're both sure that i'm gonna give them the money. then the day came where they actually need the money. i told them the truth that i dont have any money in me, because my sister usually hold my income. they know that i don't have any bank accounts so i use my sister's. and my sister wasn't home that time since she was conducting research somewhere far— that's true.

now that it's done. i feel bad. i let my pain control me... the money they're borrowing was for their tuition fees. i know it's wrong, i know i'm wrong. i apologized to them, it was sincere, but i'm still guilty. whenever i look at them, flashbacks of me desperately trying to fix whatever that happened only for them to ignore me, treat me like i'm not there. and there are times where they dead*ss face to face show me how they're happier without me, how they're intentionally making me feel OP. when they started to ask favors again, it reminded me of the time that i was there for them... but when i was suffering they cut me off with no reason at all. and that's what led me to do what i did. i'm not fishing for sympathy or validation. i just really need to get this off my chest. the guilt is eating me alive. i'm planning to actually lend them the money they need...