Gave train driver the middle finger, and he was just trying to be helpful.

This morning I woke up late feeling ok je crap, walking sluggishly. I had to find $2 in quarters so I didn't have to hop the subway. Got to station and the train was 1 minute away. It takes a bit of time to get the MTA machine to accept quarters, so I was full of fear for of missing the train.

I could hear the train pull up as I put the money in, the machine didn't accept the last 2 quarter on the first try, so it took even longer. Finally the train is at the station, I pay my fare run through turnstile and I see the train just shutting the doors as I made it halfway down to the platform.

The conductor was right there and he said something after I shouted "fuuuuuuuuck", and the train slowly began to leave the station. He was still talking, I couldn't hear but I assumed he was laughing about it.

I raised my middle finger toward him feeling utterly infuriated. Only moments later realizing I wasn't late for anything, I didn't need to be on "that" train, and worst of all the driver was telling me if it happens again to let him know so he can wait 15 seconds for me(paraphrasing, but based on his tone and body language).

I feel terrible, honest it was terrible behavior. I've been on edge for the last 2 weeks after a really close family member died, and I feel like I'm viewing the world through a quarter inch of ice. That's not an excuse for acting like a maniac.

Trying to figure out if I will ever be able to apologize to the driver. I take the same train a lot, maybe I'll see him again and I can explain. I hope it didn't fuck with his day. Man, I need some help. And I could use some advice.