uncertainty & the death of reason

how many times have i been here, walked these halls and looked in these rooms wondering when a love this strong could be for me?

how many times have i learned to be disappointed or just not bloody surprised?

how many times have i gotten back up after i've stumbled at the first step?

how many times have i thought about him whilst i've touched myself, imagining the man though the mirage?

how many times did i cry whilst wondering if he hated me for what i did and couldn't do?

how many times have i met someone that could be perfect for me only for us to fail at one of the tests life sets out for us?

how many times.

i focus on what's real, what's tangible and in my sights. and when i look at the picture I know to be true, it's all perfectly painted in all number of hues. just how much i can love someone is painted on my arms and mind.

how many times does lightning strike the same spot repeatedly?

how many times have i been told to do one thing whilst i've done another?

how many times have i found him?

how many more chances will i get?

how much longer until i stare down uncertainty in the face for our final battle?

how much longer until the end of this journey?

and who will be waiting for me at the end?

i love people for exactly who they are and who i know them to be. it's a blessing and a curse, to look right into the grip of distorted complicated humanness and find something to hold onto.

how many pieces do i hold?

no matter, for i hold all the keys.

and no matter the choice or this outcome, i promise to cut the rest free and put everything i have into the love that was meant for me.