NOBODY EXPECTS THE ZHODANI INQUISITION!

[Scene: The bridge of a slightly shabby Free Trader somewhere near the border of the Third Imperium. The crew are quietly drinking tea.]

CAPTAIN BRIGGS:

Right. Smooth jump, no inspections, no trouble, and absolutely no—

[AIRLOCK BURSTS OPEN. Smoke. Dramatic music.]

Three Zhodani soldiers in elegant white armor leap into the room.

ALL THREE:

NOBODY EXPECTS THE ZHODANI INQUISITION!

[Awkward pause.]

ZHO COMMISSAR VLADIMIR:

…Our chief weapon is psionic surprise.

ZHO OFFICER:

Psionic surprise and ruthless efficiency.

ZHO SOLDIER:

And… and very nice uniforms.

COMMISSAR:

Right. Our three weapons are psionic surprise, ruthless efficiency, and very nice uniforms.

[He consults a datapad.]

COMMISSAR:

Four. Four weapons. Also telepathic interrogation.

ZHO SOLDIER:

And tea.

COMMISSAR:

Yes, tea as well.

The Accusation

COMMISSAR (dramatically pointing):

Captain Briggs of the vessel Plausibly Legitimate Profit…

You stand accused of:

Smuggling contraband thoughts

Possession of unlicensed mental privacy

Thinking sarcastic things about the Consulate

CAPTAIN:

I object to number three.

COMMISSAR:

You thought “Oh no not these people again.”

CAPTAIN:

Well you did burst in shouting.

Telepathic Interrogation

COMMISSAR:

Prepare the interrogation device!

[A Zhodani soldier produces a comfortable chair and a cup of tea.]

CAPTAIN:

That’s the interrogation?

COMMISSAR:

We read your thoughts while you relax.

CAPTAIN:

That’s disturbingly civilized.

Meanwhile…

PRIVATE COLLINS (Imperial Marine security detail):

Sergeant… should we stop them?

SERGEANT HIGGINS:

Not yet.

PRIVATE:

Why not?

SERGEANT:

They haven’t filled out the boarding paperwork.

Back to the Inquisition

COMMISSAR:

Captain, empty your mind.

CAPTAIN:

Right.

COMMISSAR closes eyes.

COMMISSAR:

Hmm.

ZHO OFFICER:

What do you see?

COMMISSAR:

Sandwiches.

ZHO SOLDIER:

Anything else?

COMMISSAR:

A badger wearing trousers.

ZHO OFFICER:

Imperial mental countermeasures.

The Marines Finally Intervene

SERGEANT HIGGINS (stepping forward):

Excuse me. Do you have a warrant for psychic inspection?

COMMISSAR:

We are the Zhodani Inquisition!

SERGEANT:

Yes, but do you have Form 27-Psi?

COMMISSAR:

…Form 27-Psi?

SERGEANT produces a clipboard.

SERGEANT:

Without it, this is an unauthorized telepathic audit.

[The Zhodani huddle nervously.]

ZHO SOLDIER:

Sir… he’s thinking about bureaucratic regulations.

COMMISSAR:

Impossible!

ZHO SOLDIER:

There are thousands of them!

Retreat

COMMISSAR (panicking):

Fall back! Their minds are full of administrative chaos!

ZHO OFFICER:

And the badger is back!

ALL THREE:

RETREAT!

[They run out the airlock.]

Silence on the Bridge

PRIVATE COLLINS:

Sergeant… were those forms real?

SERGEANT:

Good heavens no.

PRIVATE:

Then why did it work?

SERGEANT:

Because, Collins... Everybody expects Imperial paperwork.

NARRATOR:

And thus the Imperium once again defeated its enemies using the most powerful weapon in the galaxy:

Bureaucracy.