i'm polyam and last weekend my (27NB) partner of three years (35M) ruined my night at a show by my inviting someone else (late 20s early 30s??F) he's seeing without checking in with me, and basically forced me to meet her before I was ready. for context, his band was playing the show, and my friends' band was also playing with me as a guest artist, which he knew well in advance; we even had a plan to sleepover at mine after. 

we've been having issues for months about his lack of communication re: this other relationship. i dont wanna get all the way into it, but he said almost nothing about her over the 6 months theyve been dating and it feels like he's been hiding something. whenever i've brought it up hes promised more communication and always falls short of living up to it. so imagine my surprise when the day before the show i get a text saying so and so is coming and he wants to introduce us. no respect for my autonomy—did not ask if i want to meet her or if i was comfortable with it happening in that setting. needless to say the night went poorly, he had zero plan or intention going into it, and it showed. i was anxious the whole night and when he finally introduced us it only got worse. she was friendly, but reeeeally overfamiliar and performative. (for context, she has NEVER DATED ANYONE let alone poly dating, so she was clearly performing how she thinks a "good meta" within KTP should act, assuming i want to be friends etc.). i had told him i'm okay with a quick hello, not looking to really talk or hang out for extended time, so he clearly hadnt set expectations with her.

two days later we talked on the phone and i \*let him have it\*. i said i never want to feel that way again and it was unacceptable to treat me with so little consideration or intentionality, let alone at a show where i'm performing. i updated my boundaries and now i do not want to know anything about her or ever spend time with her again. it felt harsh to say but i think i'm valid! i created space for and invited him to share openly, he avoided sharing anything about her \*for months\* after saying he would multiple times, then went zero to a hundred orchestrating a meeting i didnt really have a say in. my options were to either meet her and play along, or refuse to meet her and look like the unfriendly insecure established partner. imo he really shouldve just uninvited her when i expressed discomfort like "hey i'm sorry i messed up by not checking in with my partner, could you come to a different show?" 

he showed that he cant handle multiple peoples needs & boundaries in the same space, and he cant take responsibility for his own mistakes, so i'm pivoting to protect myself. i told him to tell her that i have no issue with her, this is purely bc of how he mishandled the situation. he received all of it well and responded with an apology and action items that sound good to me, but also, he does that after every fight or difficult convo.... so the words mean less each time.

one action item was cooking me this apology dinner as a gesture of care. it was good. i still feel so hurt and angry, i wish things could go back to normal but right now i cant think about or look at him without being reminded how upset and uncomfortable i felt that night. i dont know if i will be able to trust him again and it makes me so sad.  why did he have to do that. why would someone who loves me put me in that situation. i was so clear about what i needed and wanted, communicated it repeatedly. now i'm feeling like my willingness to compromise and work through our issues is a weakness. he doesnt get that we actually cant repair everything, at some point a person reaches a limit. 

apology pasta