I (20M) need help deciding on where to go with my friendship since my friend (20F) has abandoned me for her new boyfriend (26M)

Hi Reddit, I won’t lie the title is a little dramatic but I’m seriously stuck in a weird situation I’ve never fully been in before. Before I start, I wanna apologise for the formatting of this. I’ve never posted on Reddit before and I’m on a phone, so it’s probably a wall of text.

Anyway, I (20m) have a friend I’ll call Jen (20f). Jen and I met about two years ago through a childhood friend of mine, who I’ve known for 10+ years. Just for consistency I’ll call him Max (20m), they were dating at the time and I was naturally introduced to her online as his girlfriend and we became almost a little friend group. This is mainly online, we’ve only seen each other a handful of times due to living 2 hours away from one another. Also Jen and I have only ever been platonic, I openly see her as a sister. I really want this to be taken into account, because I know a lot of people say women and men can’t be friends. But that’s just false.

When we first met I’d just gotten out of an abusive relationship that lasted years, I was carrying a lot of hurt and we bonded over similar things I won’t get into for her privacy. But it wouldn’t be false to say we trauma bonded. The little friend group of 3 then expanded when Jen’s sister Hannah (19f) joined in when we hung out. This was mainly online, as we started servers and realms on video games we all played together. Hours and hours were spent playing together as a group.

Fast forward and I met my girlfriend (18f) at college separately from the group, naturally this was hard for me because of my past and I leant on my friends to make sure I wasn’t getting myself into another awful situation. I’m happy to say my relationship is very healthy, but that’s not important. But even when getting into my relationship, the relationship itself slowly moving forward. I love you’s. Meeting family. Spending nights together. Going to family events together and soon to be going on holiday with each others family, I have always made sure to keep time for friends. Even if it’s something as simple as messaging to make sure they’re doing okay. Trying to keep up to date on their lives and just be a friend for them. But when Max and Jen broke up this became a little harder, but not impossible. I separated Max, Jen and Hannah as my friends. Spending time with them separately. Max has always been a very busy guy, so naturally spending time with the girls was easier and when he was free they’d be busy. It was rare the two overlapped and it worked well.

I tried to be there for both of them during the fall out of their relationship, even leading up to the breakup. But I kept myself far from the situation and made sure both understood I cared for each of them. This was respected for the most part, other than Hannah trying to push me to stop speaking to Max at a stage, but she was quickly told to leave my friendships alone. As Hannah has always had an issue with overstepping, especially when it comes to Jen. But that was sorted out. What I’m trying to say is for a good month or two this was the setup, I kept both separate and spent time with both, leaning more towards Jen. As Jen and I always seemed to connect more than Max and I, just because we’re more alike and have gone through similar experiences that Max and I just haven’t.

Even when Jen started to date again, very soon after the breakup. They broke up late October and she was dating again in November, Max and Jen had dated for almost 3 years.

Jen had still always made time for friends and the group of 4 we’d become (Jen, Hannah, myself and my girlfriend). Although Jen, Hannah and I being more close as a group of 3. Even through a mini situationship with a guy she liked. Fast forward a little and she met George (26m). Hannah didn’t like the idea of George originally, due to the age gap and the fact he seemed “weird” in her words just from how Jen described him. Jen became very closed off with us, refusing to speak about George other than his name and age, even rejecting she liked him at first. But she started to leave us out. Even if we were all online at once on the exact same video game she’d remove us or tell us we couldn’t all hang out if George was around. I asked Hannah and she said this wasn’t abnormal for Jen, but it passes after a while. She’s just “weird around new relationships” so I left it, swallowed the fact something felt off and accepted the situation as it was.

George and Jen start dating and I ask when I can meet him, as by this point she was head over heels and spoke about him a lot. She said “eventually but he’s shy and quiet”. I accept the answer, obviously. And I’m just glad she’s with a guy that’s making her happy, then Jen starts to act really off. She’s never online, never answering messages and even Hannah says it’s worrying how distant she’s being even at home with her family. She was constantly with George at his house, never answering messages and phone calls. To the point her Mother got angry with her, because not knowing if your daughter is even okay after days of no reply is concerning.

This went on for weeks, I’d say about 2. I went on feeling completely abandoned. Almost constant radio silence, when there was speaking it was brief and awkward. Hannah started to get angry and told Jen she wanted more “us time” as friends. Jen finally came on and spent some time with us, during this she admitted a few things that set alarm bells off in my mind. 1: she didn’t want kids anymore. Now this is something she was adamant on, it was part of why her and Max broke up. He didn’t want them, she did. And just before this Hannah said “I know George doesn’t want kids, so if she changes her mind I’m gonna be worried” when we were speaking about the relationship and Jen’s sudden behaviour changes. 2: she finds it “weird” to speak about me around George. This was never an issue with the other situationship she was in, or any setting ever. We’ve always been close and at one point best friends, now suddenly speaking about me was weird? It felt off and even Hannah called her out for it, asking why it was weird. As we were really close and our friendship meant a lot to us both. She didn’t really answer and tried to dodge why it was weird.

Silence became even more normal between us from here, but only with me. George was introduced to all her family, including Hannah. Hannah had her own issues with them, I won’t get into it because it’s not really important or any of my business. But even Hannah had some issues.

Keep in mind during all of this Max has met someone, she seems lovely and he’s already asked if I’d be comfortable meeting her. They only met maybe a month ago, which only adds to this situation with Jen for me. Because he’s so open and happy for me to meet his partner (or soon to be).

The silence between Jen and I started to affect me, I missed my friend. I spoke about it with my girlfriend and she said I should speak to Jen properly, but I’ll be honest I didn’t know if I wanted to. I’m quite strange in friendships I’ll be honest, I think I try to avoid conflict through fear of losing friends. As when I were younger I was the exact opposite and could be very argumentative, costing me friendships I cared about. So now I think I try to avoid it completely, until I hit a level of anger and upset I can’t help it. It isn’t great I know;

But Jen asked if I wanted to go online on a game after I’d made a small comment in a group chat about not speaking that was a bit passive aggressive through upset. I told Jen I didn’t and as of that moment I didn’t want to speak about why, because I was upset. But I made it clear something was bothering me and I was tired of swallowing being upset silently for others feelings (Jen knows of this issue). Jen privately messages me asking what’s wrong, telling me our friendship is really important to her and she “can’t bare knowing I’m upset”. Which I’ll be honest with you, I was very clearly upset before. I just hadn’t voiced it outwardly yet, but you know when a person is upset with you even before they scream it at you. So I truly doubt she didn’t know, it was just unavoidable now.

I eventually wrote out all my feelings and worries containing to George as she’d brought him up. This seemed to go down well, she called me and we spoke about everything. She apologised and said she understood I felt abandoned and that she’d been a bad friend. For a little after it seemed a little better, George and I weren’t allowed near one another in any form. But she was texting again in group chats and in general. As well as playing online more.

This as you can imagine starting slipping again. But it all came to a head for me when George was accepted into a big group of ours on a game. One we didn’t let people in easily, as it had backfired before and it meant starting all over again. The breakup almost destroyed this, so we’re all protective over it. But allowed George to join. This is open to join at any time and holds us all on the game.

Jen, my girlfriend and I were all on it, doing different things and speaking. Just hanging out. When George came on, Jen said she was leaving to go into a separate call with him. I asked why we couldn’t all play and speak, she said she didn’t know if George would want to but would text me what he said. I never got a text. In the game is a messaging system everyone can see, it also shows if someone dies. George kept dying trying to do something and I asked if they wanted me to help, as what they were trying to do I’d done hundreds of times. I also had a lot of what they were trying to get and didn’t mind sharing. Jen was snappy with me in the chat, telling me no they didn’t want help. Generally just having a weird tone with me she doesn’t normally have. I said okay and left it. But noticed them looking over at us randomly on this game, I’ll be honest my feelings were hurt. I was upset and my girlfriend noticed and we left the game to go onto a totally different one. I wasn’t messaged again that night, or for 3 days after. We had spoken a little bit, not really 1 on 1. But it always felt really superficial and Jen basically just spoke about George the entire time.

When we’ve spoken it’s always very brief and felt awkward even with Hannah and my girlfriend there. And again, it’s always about George in some way. I get speaking about your partner, especially since they’ve been together less than 6 months, at least I’m pretty sure. But it’s to the point I’d call it obsessive and weird even for someone who’s very clingy. They seem incredibly co-dependant and it even shows when they’re separated. As of right now, we’ve started to ignore each other a lot when the other is online. Besides her messaging me once a simple “You alive”, which she only does since our conversation because I called her a hypocrite during this for something that happened once that I won’t get into. So it isn’t genuine concern, it’s almost so I don’t get upset again. But right now I just don’t even want to speak to her, I’m that upset.

I have no idea what to even think at this point. Does George have an issue with me? How could he, we’ve never spoken. Is it Jen? If so why. Why can’t we just speak about it, why am I being pushed away. I’m not even a single guy and if you saw how I am with my girlfriend for even a second, you’d know how in love we are. I just don’t see the issue. Am I doing something?

I’ve spoken to my girlfriend about it and she’s starting to get upset with Jen over it and it’s changing how she sees her. As Jen hasn’t let her meet George either. I spoke to my Mum about it, because I have no idea what to do anymore and she said I should distance myself. But the idea of that hurts.

Some other key details, I’m transgender (FTM) and this isn’t a secret at all. I also live in England and a certain party in government has been a point of tension within our friend group before. Even before the breakup of Jen and Max. As Jen supports a party I disagree with on all levels. And I support a party Jen seems to dislike too. It’s also important to know, I’m on a way lower income than Jen and her family. I’m not even technically working class, my family have always been very poor. Even going 3 or more generations back. Jen’s situation is very different, her Mother and Stepfather have very good jobs. She isn’t rich by any means, but compared to my family she might as well be. George is even wealthier than her, to the point I’d argue he’s above working class. Especially from what she’s told me before.

Could George look down on me based on this. Could Jen be ashamed of who I am and my place in society? I have no idea what to think anymore and speaking to her feels like forcing her to introduce us. Or just being excessively needy on my end. I just don’t know where to go from here, what’s the right thing to do?

Any advice is heavily appreciated, even if I’m being unreasonable. I just want help and to know where to go from here. Basically, what should I do? I’m not bothered who’s the “right party” or anything similar, I just want to know what would be best to do in this situation.

Thank you for reading.

TL:DR, my friend got a new boyfriend and is acting off with me. Refusing to introduce us and pushing me away. I need advice on how to handle the situation.