I had sex with a friend I swore I never would, and now I don't know what to do with myself

I'm 22, a somewhat closeted gay guy, and a few hours ago I had sex with a friend I promised myself I'd never go there with. It's past midnight now and I just got home. I want to cry but can't. I feel empty, hollow, and I needed to get this out somewhere. "K" and I have known each other since 2024 and got properly close last year as classmates. He'd flirt, I'd deflect. We went on a beach trip, I opened up about my sexuality to a small trusted group including him, and things got closer after that. For months the dynamic became physical. I'd give him blowjobs, multiple times, and I kept trying to distance myself and kept failing. Today was the first time I let him penetrate me and the worst part is, I was the one who suggested staying at his place. Some part of me knew what would likely happen. I said yes anyway, and then yes again when it came to it. I violated my own boundary and I only have myself to blame for that, which somehow makes it feel worse. Here's what makes today feel especially heavy. Since childhood I learned prone masturbation, which is when you're masturbating face down and over the years, completely rewired how my body responds to stimulation. It's a real thing that kills erection quality and sexual function. I've been working to fix it since December, which meant abstinence, which has been brutal especially during the most stressful semester of my life. Final year before internship, exams coming up, barely sleeping. I've been slipping this week. I slipped today, before the sex even happened. So I walked into his apartment already feeling like a failure.

The sex was miserable. I was shaking the whole time. I couldn't get hard at all, completely flaccid the whole time, sitting at 2.5 inches while he was fully erect at probably 6. He even tried to jerk me off and nothing happened. I know I can get bigger when I'm actually functioning properly, which makes it so much worse. It wasn't a fair representation of me at all. He saw everything, all the insecurities I've spent months quietly trying to fix, completely exposed. At one point he looked frustrated and even lost his erection. Nobody forced me, I said yes, I just wish I hadn't.

What's haunting me is the image I left. I've been working so hard on something deeply personal and he saw me at my absolute worst. And the thing is, I care what he thinks. More than I want to admit. Because here's the complicated part. I'm attached to him. I like him as a person. But when I'm honest with myself, he rarely asks about my life. He talks about himself, his friends, his world. I've tried opening up and felt shut down. I get jealous when he talks about his close friend "D" like he's everything. And yet I keep going back. I don't fully understand why. After the sex he messaged asking if I was okay. I didn't know how to answer. I went out with a friend tonight just to get out of my head, cried a little on the way home listening to music, and now I'm just sitting here feeling like I've been making stupid decision after stupid decision lately. Breaking promises to myself, losing self respect, feeling absent minded and unlike myself. I'm not just upset about today. I feel like I've lost myself. Like I'm 22 and I've been wanting to fix so many things about myself for so long and I keep falling short and it's leading to embarrassment, shame, and a deep distrust of myself. I don't know what to do about "K". I see him almost every day, same friend circle, same seating arrangements, assigned lab groupmates. Which is supid on my part and I can't just disappear. And part of me doesn't even want to, which is the most frustrating part.

Has anyone been in something like this? Where you're attached to someone who may not deserve that attachment, you keep violating your own boundaries around them, and you don't even fully understand why?