Confused about therapist’s actions

I’m confused about the dynamic I had with a clinician I’m not currently in contact with. I was in an outpatient program for substance abuse. I knew the clinician already from residential treatment. I had a big crush on him and I think he knew. he seemed to have a crush on me which I’m aware may have been wishful thinking but he did stuff which was confusing. I also fantasized that something could happen with him because he wasn’t my private therapist.

some experiences:

In group one day he created a hypothetical situation where he and I were in a romantic relationship and we were supposed to do a role play. we never did the role play, the subject got changed I think and he never explained why he chose me and him for this hypothetical relationship. I felt embarrassed and exposed in front of the group and might have been making fun of me or testing me because he sensed I had a crush on him. or my hope was that he was acting out his own countertransference.

he touched me affectionately a lot and sometimes would stare at me across the room. when I completed outpatient he hugged me and held me for several minutes while a colleague and my peers looked on and some of them gave me looks when the embrace was over. in general there was a lot of affectionate touching and intense looks not documentable or definable stuff. maybe I was just teachers pet. he always shared a look with me when someone said something ridiculous, sometimes would even defer to my opinion. he would save seats for me and one time even looked upset when I didn’t sit next to him. but who knows what was really happening that was just my impression. one time he walked by me when I was standing in a group and looked over his shoulder and gave me a secret down low wave that only I could see and a little friendly smirk. a secret wave just for me! it felt like confirmation of something. I know I wanted to see that he was into me.

eventually I asked him what was going on with our flirting and he reacted with shock, cited ethical implications etc. I was embarrassed and pretty much just dropped it. later I found out he was married and I and a lot of my peers didn’t even know that. i had created a belief that he wasn’t really my therapist (we worked on a group creative project after outpatient so I thought we no longer had the clinician client relationship, I hoped at least) after we had the flirting conversation he acted uncomfortable around me and I started to feel like he acted like I was a stalker.

since the creative project ended we’ve had no contact and I feel abandoned as someone who was once in his care and as someone I was starting to think of as a friend and who seemed to care about me personally. I also felt gaslit about him denying flirting because I know what flirting is and I have no history of delusions.

he knows I’m upset and hasn’t reached out. I don’t know if I’m supposed to contact him because I am no longer a client. I want some clarification, closure and unrealistically for him to cop to some of his confusing behavior.

Im preoccupied and in pain over this. thoughts? thank you community. I feel so pathetically obsessed dissecting these micro moments by myself months later.