17f and really worried about what course to take in college (with a “hint” of the most vulnerable parts of my life story)

(Warning: major life oversharing)

So my family is kind of full of doctors/aspiring doctors (my parents and siblings) so growing up I was naturally expected the same.

Unlike my siblings though, I’m not some genius. They both went to the most prestigious high school and are now both in the best colleges for their own courses. I, on the other hand, didn’t have the same chance to go to the same high school they did due to the pandemic cancelling the entrance exams for it and instead only accepted based on grades all throughout elementary, in which I didn’t make the cut. But to be honest, even if the entrance exams pulled through, I doubt I would have gotten in based on my current state back then.

So naturally, I didn’t get to build the same habits as them, nor did I get the same education. I know it may be annoying of me to say this, because I can’t blame it solely on the fact that the pandemic took certain chances away from me, but it’s not just that. The pandemic broke out at a very important stage in my life, I was only growing up as a teenager and being exposed to the internet and devices for the first time (my parents didn’t let us have our own gadgets back then) naturally made me undisciplined. And it didn’t help that it was already part of my nature to be irresponsible and a “fun things first” type person. In short, I’m lazy as fuck. And I’m not that smart.

Im not a consistent person, I get sudden outbursts of interests in things but after a few months I lose interest quickly and move on to the next best thing I can find. I’m also not consistent in studying and doing school works, I’m a major procrastinator and I find it hard to bring myself to do things I don’t want to be doing. Especially when there are other fun things I could be doing.

And this is where the only two consistent things in my life pop in. Reading and drawing. I’ve loved drawing and art for as long as I can remember, I loved making stories up with my sister and I’d truly be invested in lores and stuff like that. and that was before any access to the internet, mind you. So then when the pandemic began and I touched the internet for the first time, the art world for me only kept growing. I discovered new things, and that’s when I started reading. It began with webtoon, then I started exploring other mangas and manhwas, until I even started reading web novels as well. Those are the two hobbies I wouldn’t give up for the world.

I was only 6th grade when the pandemic started, and the isolation made me really depressed. Like literally. I didn’t know what depression was and thought it was normal to feel like every day was worthless and that crying all night was just me being dramatic. But looking back, I think even before pandemic I was super sad when I was home, when my siblings had their own lives at their high school dorms, I’d be alone at our house, occasionally seeing my dad and barely seeing my mom. Our caretaker also had her own kid at the same time as those so I felt like everyone I was close with at home was suddenly disappearing, leaving me to grow up alone as they went on with their lives. My family (parents) can be really toxic, so when the pandemic went on and my only escape, school (friends), from that type of environment was taken from me too, it REALLY fueled my depression. Seriously. Plus, the fact that I didn’t have any friends for a long time or had bad friend dramas were like endless 13th reasons. After having 2 serious attempts around 2021-2022, the pandemic started to loosen up, and I was finally diagnosed with depression at the beginning of 8th grade and had to take anti depressants for 2 years, in which I only stopped because I thought I was “healed” when I gained great friends and a major crush on the 2nd year of face to face classes. I miss those days, I was really, truly, fucking happy.

long story short, I’m depressed. been depressed and still am for sure, and I’ve never wanted to live past 25, which is a really important factor when choosing a college course, you know?

Like, if I plan on dying in 8-7 years, why would I take a course that takes more than 10 years of being miserable, when I have no passion nor brains for it whatsoever??

But so then, what should I take? When I would be pretentious and act like I actually wanted a future, I’d say I was debating on taking veterinary or dentistry or even psychology (which may or may not be kind of interesting). But knowing myself and knowing a little bit about those courses, I know they’re all mentally draining and I am very much mentally challenged in both my prefrontal cortex AND limbic system.

I’ve always dreamt of being a webtoon artist, but it’s not like I’m Korean or Japanese where making manhwa or manga are easier and more likely to be successful (I’m not saying its easy at all, but if it’s hard there, imagine how it is here where I live to make a living off it). It’s not like I’m crazy talented either, so if I pursued an art related major, it’s basically guaranteed unemployment. Plus, with the prevalence of AI art, it’s really hard for artists right now and more so in the near future. The only bright side is that I’d be passionate about it and less likely to be depressed and miserable in my last remaining (probably) years.

Its basically practicality over passion, except practicality comes with depression, stupidity, and ultimate death because I will not succeed med school anyway.. where in passion comes with being poor and unemployed in the future, ultimately making me miserable and maybe dying early too.

I’m seriously crying over this right now, and I just really need some advice. I’ve never told anyone about these kind of thoughts of mine, so this is super vulnerable (lol). Seriously, what should I do?