Still lost 2 months out

Me and my ex-gf of 2 years broke up almost 2 months ago now. End of Dec.

The night we broke up, thats what I thought I wanted to. We had 6 months of some-what constant fighting or uneasiness. I was anxious all the time. Had to constantly ask her "if everything was alright" and she it "seemed" fine. I was not happy as I could be with the relationship and she was not either.

but

after we broke up, I realized I could not live without her. I respected 0 of the boundaries she asked for, manipulated her with empty threats to get her to talk to me, tried to be "neutral" in places where I could talk to her. Did crazy things, even as far as waiting outside her car, spam calling her, spam messaging her.. overall CRAZY PERSON.

She wanted NO-CONTACT, finally after 2 months, I can finally say I am "giving" her that now.

We go to university together, I have stopped showing up Altogether.. Because seeing her in class makes me spiral, and I end up breaking NO-CONTACT. The only thing that has been preventing me from talking to her right now. Is the fact that I love her too much, to not give her what she wants. And the past 2 months I did not show that I love her to give her, her space.

I have gone as far almost done the most un imaginable things possible, I have been close to basically ending it. thankfully I have not done that. Seeked Psych, therapy and over all friends to not have those thoughts. I am now on SSRI's, trying to get myself better. However I am not happy, I am not making progress.

I have wonderful friends, a great support system. Honestly supportive parents. I Dont have to worry about the gas, the phone the uni bills. I play on a sports team, hang out with friends, play video games. Yet I cant seem to look at those things and be grateful..

But I am not happy. I cannot get my mind out of this mindset. I keep thinking, oh time will go by. She will move on. Which honestly, the way I acted. She probably has. Although I am not blocked on any platform and she still responds to me with respect. I cant seem to get through my days.

I think I can become this, do this, be jacked, be smart, be rich, be this be that. But at the end of the day, I cant get back the person I want the most. I Imagine in my head, I could be the richest person in the world, but the only "thing" I want is the her presence in my life.

I feel like I could go the next 10 years, do all I want, achieve all my "goals". But if she is with someone else and happy. although I will be Happy for her, because I love her. I wont be happy for myself. Because I will have "nothing".