Getting bad again

So I’m starting to notice I’m getting bad again and I don’t know what to do. My old therapist gave me a referral a month ago that I’m still debating on calling to make an appointment, I don’t know why.

Yesterday I self harmed again after months of not doing it, and I’m getting these urges to put myself in harms way, like going somewhere unsafe where I could get beat up.

I’m starting to fantasize about killing myself again. I can’t do it because it would devastate my family, but sometimes I don’t know if I’ll be able to resist this urge forever. I have access to means, and if I do it I don’t want to fail.

I thought I was finally okay and getting better but it turns out I’m not. I think something inside me is broken. Last year I had a near-attempt no one knows about. I spent an hour and a half with a ligature tied around my neck while I deleted off stuff from my phone and wrote my goodbyes. I’m feeling drawn to doing that again and burning my journals beforehand.

My life is a mess because I keep doing it to myself. I’m the problem with my life.