I believe it's the end of the line for me, didn't live the life I wanted to?

I don’t want this to be a pity party post nor do I want this to be too soppy but I guess I’m just venting because I really don’t have anywhere else to put this.

But currently, I am a 34 year old man who will be 35 in 6 months. For the most part, I’ve completely screwed my entire life. I’m not anywhere near where I should be at this age. I hoped to have been in a nice relationship, if not married. I expected to be more financially well off than I am now. I hoped to be more muscular than I am right now. I just hoped in general, I would have more experiences and such than I do now (travel, dating/sex, etc.). But I don’t.

I can go back 13 years ago when I graduated college. I was a bit of a “nice guy” then, not someone who would manipulate women to get in their pants, but someone who didn’t stand up for themselves. I also started seriously weight training at 20/21 in an attempt to bulk ( I made decent progress. The biggest I ever got was 190, 14% BF at 6’0“ but I lost it in 2021 after a lumbar disc herniation and the biggest I ever got back to was 180 lbs, but I also lost that due to injuries/diet).

I was a complete virgin throughout college (lacked game entirely, went to an all boys’ school beforehand) and I was also sort of scared of women. Meanwhile, everyone around me? In and out of relationships with ease.

I ended up moving back home in 2011 because my college was 35 minutes away from my campus as I wanted to save money on room and board and such. I would be out in 2 years when I graduated, is what I told myself. Little did I know this would end up being my tomb.

Fast forward a couple years after graduation, I got a decent job in ecommerce making 37k in 2015 dollars. I was more after the career trajectory than the money and I learned some skills. I then tried to do some consulting on the side to make extra income but that was slow moving. Ended up getting laid off in 2017 - tried to do the consulting thing full-time but it failed. Had a few gigs here and there but nothing substantial. Was on unemployment and using a credit card to sustain myself. In January 2019, got another job making 55k. Debt was still gnawing at me. I was trying to pay it off the best I could.

Got to see friends winning during this time. Moving out, getting into relationships, traveling. Stuff I did none of. Had to attend quite a few weddings solo while my other friends had their significant others. That was fun.

2020 got laid off during COVID, regrouped and got a great remote job in April 2021 making 65k. That was good until it wasn’t. Team got laid off or quit, making me the last man standing on my marketing team. I got a raise to 75k. At this point, I was barely keeping my head above water because SOMETHING WAS ALWAYS COMING UP. Whether it was some repair that needed to be fixed around the house, an emergency which drained my funds, whatever. Now, my consumer debt ballooned to massive proportions, probably ~70k and a mix of loans/cards. I was trying to make inroads on the side, building up to doing consulting again but I never got any clients.

I traveled to LA for 2 weeks in 2022 working remotely and it was awesome. My first solo trip and one of many I thought. How wrong was I. Not only did I never get back over the next 3 years, but moving out seemed to be out of the possibility. I never wanted to stay in my home state - I’ve been here for 30 years, so I wanted something to change. Looks like that won’t happen now.

I just got laid off in December, right before the holidays were in full swing. I am on unemployment. Savings are empty. I have zero romantic prospects (I’m pretty sure I missed the boat on that anyway, relationships probably aren’t for me). I have until the end of this month until I become delinquent on my payments. I have never missed a payment in my life and now it looks like I will and credit score will take a massive ding. I might even have to file chapter 7 bankruptcy to get ahead of this mess.

I have zero idea whether I will be employed in the future or not. As of right now, I’ve sent out 70 apps and heard nothing back but denials. I’ve reached out to 80 firms to try and pitch marketing services and radio silence. I will be turning 35 in a couple of months. I have nothing. I am still at home, far away from friends who have moved on with their lives, in a financial pit that is probably going to get worse, have no experience with women, and I am no longer a young man.

If I’m lucky, in 5 years I will be halfway done my life and the next half is one where I’m less optimistic, have less potential, less milestones, less agility/flexibility in my body, etc.

I guess a lot of things weren’t for me. Being with an attractive women isn’t for me. Financial independence/freedom isn’t for me. Traveling when I have the ability and energy to do it is not for me.

It just sucks because I ended up trying so hard but it looks like my life was a giant bust in the first place. All of the resources such as the money for schooling, the love, the coaching, the discipline poured into me - all to be a giant failure.

I just don’t know what to do next and it makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide away.